Single – And Feeling Like A Failure?

Anyone who is single knows how easy it can be, at times, to feel like a “failure”. Even the most successful people can be filled with self-doubt, shame and a sense of failure if they aren’t ‘making it’ in the relationship department.

Even if you can stay positive most of the time, there are probably those moments when the rug gets pulled out from under and you are back to berating yourself and wondering, at a deeper level, whether there is ‘something wrong with you’.

And it may only take someone looking at you with shock and disbelief while uttering the words “I can’t believe you’re still single” to trigger your inner self-doubt.

There are three myths in our culture that can contribute to those moments when being single can leave you wondering “If I am so great, then why am I still single?”

Myth 1: Being In A Relationship Equals Success.  There is an unspoken assumtion that being part of a couple automatically represents “success.”   If you are part of a couple, then you are ok as a human being.  It’s easy to get caught up in bolstering your sense of self by being in a relationship.

John Gottman well known for his studies on predicting which couples will stay together and which couple will split up,  reports that “the chance of a first marriage ending in divorce over a forty-year period is 67%”, and that “some studies find that the divorce rate for second marriages is as much as 10% higher than for first-timers.” 

More interesting, however, is what Jerry M. Lewis and John T. Gossett note. Only about 25% of their volunteer couples qualified as “healthy” relationships. Only 25%!

So, you might do well to remember that the vast majority of people are struggling to create healthy, satisfying relationships and that not settling for less is a choice not a ‘dysfunction’.

Myth 2: Happiness Comes From Being Part of a Couple. Another myth that single people fall into is to assume that whatever unhappiness they experience is a result of being single. If only they were in a relationship then they would be happier.

The reality, however is, that being in a relationship won’t solve your problems with your boss, your parents or how you feel about yourself.  At the end of the day only you can solve your problems. You take you everywhere – and a relationship won’t fix that.

You’re more likely to experience a happy relationship if you are a happy successful single having a great relationship with yourself.

Myth 3: “You Should Be In A Relationship By Now”. For many, the journey to finding a healthy, fulfilling relationship is a challenging one and can take some time. Attracting an amazing relationship is less about being in the right place and more about being the right person. And the timing of how that happens is individual.

It means learning more about yourself, moving on from previous hurts and discovering your own hidden blocks to love.

No one can dictate the timing except for you. Like job success or success in any other part of your life, it’s about how much focus and work you put into attracting the right kind of person in your life.  It’s more about creating a successful mindset not a designated time that creates fulfilling relationships.  In fact, more recent research is suggesting that couples who wait longer have longer lasting marriages.

The Single Advantage!

While you’re on your quest for a partner, you still need to live your life to the fullest.  Not only will you enjoy your life more, but you will also become more attractive to the opposite sex.

Until then remember the advantages of your single status!

When you’re having one of ‘those’ days when you are fed up with being single, remember all the things you CAN do because you are single that you couldn’t do if you were part of a couple.

1. You can live life on the spur of the moment. You can make last minute plans for vacations, weekend retreats or last minute events because you only have yourself  to consider.
2. On vacations you can do exactly what you want to do,when you want to and how you want to
3. You get your whole living (and sleeping) space to yourself. No sharing the remote, no arguing about what music to play. If you work from home and you have a sudden burst of energy at 3am no one is going to mind.
4. Your weekends are yours to do exactly what you please! You can stay up as late as you want and sleep in as late as you want. You can be as productive – or as chilled as you wish.
5. You can accept invitations or happy hour events at anytime without having to call to let a partner know where you are for the evening – or worry about how late you are ‘allowed’ to be out.
6. You can cook or eat whatever you like, whenever you like. You can eat out as often or as little as you like. Pleasing yourself also holds true for tidying up and cleaning
7. You can run around butt naked, at any time, and no one will care
8. Whether you want to move countries, careers or make a whole new lifestyle change you have the complete freedom to do so, without worrying about how a partner may be impacted or whether they will agree or not.

It’s so easy to forget the advantages of being single when you spend your time focusing on the benefits of being in a relationship. 

The grass always seems to look greener on the other side.  When you are part of a couple you long to have the freedom of being single. When you are single you long to be in a relationship. 

The truth is you can be happy whether you are single or in a relationship. Happiness is more of a state than a destiny.

The grass isn’t greener on the other side, it’s greener where you water it.  Having a great life will attract amazing experiences and people into your life – and when you least expect it . . .