The Mistake 95% of Divorcing Parents Make . . .
Very few people, when they contemplate divorce or start the divorce process, really have any idea of what they are about to go through.. I certainly didn’t when I went through my divorce even though I’d been working with divorcing couples in my private therapy practice for years.
It’s a whole different ball game when you are actually going through it . . .
And worse still parents usually have no idea of what their children will be going through, how divorce impacts them, the potential long term damage it can cause them – nor what they can do to help them through the divorce…..
I know from my work with clients as well as my own experience, just how real (and just how unreal) the world gets in divorce.
I know the helpless sinking feeling you get facing the end of your marriage and grappling with what you are supposed to do now.
While divorce may be perceived as a solution to parents’ problems, few children want divorce, no matter how much marital tension preceded the split.
It has a powerful effect on children’s emotional well-being due to the sudden loss of familiar surroundings, everything in their world changing, and their normal daily routines and attachments being shattered. Their safe, predictable world suddenly gets turned completely upside down. Nothing makes sense to them anymore….
Parents forget that divorce is not a one time event that ends once the judge’s mallet hits the desk and your are declared ‘divorced’.
It is a legal and an emotional process that takes place over time.
The mistake that 95% of divorcing parents make is to focus on the legal process as the only ‘just’ way forward. They believe the adversarial system is about justice and is about putting their children first.
The reality, however, couldn’t be further from the truth. . .
Once you embark on the legal process of divorce, you get so consumed by it that in most cases your children will come last – any honest lawyer or attorney will testify to that. . .
You see, the minute you hire an attorny you are instructing them to win YOUR case…… that means for one to win, everyone else has to lose….
To win, you have to focus on and assign blame and fault to your ex. You have to dig up all the dirties. You have to make them look as bad as possible. You have to exaggerate how bad they are and how good you are.
You have to become enemies. It’s inherent in the adversarial process.
You both will get so obsessed with what you should have, what you think is fair, getting revenge on the ex who had the affair, or wanted the divorce….. you get so over-focused on blame and fault findng, that in the end, the children come last.
The sad reality is that as you get embroiled in the adverserial process, your children will end up coming last, you will end up shelling out more money than you ever imagined and no one, at the end of the day, will get everything they want.
You will feel cheated and you will have created enemies with your ex which will make co-parenting a nightmare for the rest of your children’s life. Worse still is that your children will have been caught in the middle and not only will they suffer in the short term but the consequences of your and your e’x divorce war will follow them into their adult lives and future relationships.
The bottom line is – how you handle your divorce and deal with your ex and your children, right from the start, sets the tone for the whole divorce process and will impact all of you for the rest of your lives …
Do you want pay for your attorney’s child to go to university, or do you want to pay for YOUR child to go to university?
Do you want your divorce to affect your child for the rest of their life?
Do you want to be embroiled in bitter co-parenting for as long as your children live?
Do you want to get stuck in a battle, without end, that will leave you exhausted, loveless, unhappy and not moving on to the kind of life you could have and deserve?
If your answer is to these questions is NO, and you’d like to seriously discuss how you can avoid such an unhappy ending, please accept my invitation to a complimentary strategy session call.
To register for your call with myself, click the link below. Then put in your name and email address in the sign up box and we will set up a mutually convenient time for the call.
Here’s to putting your children first in your divorce…