How To Get Your Ex Back
Getting your ex back is all you can think about after hearing a few deadly words – “it’s over” or “this isn’t working for me” or “I want to move on.” Everything that you’ve counted on and known until now is suddenly gone. Your life plans, your hopes, your dreams, and a part of yourself feels utterly lost. You are left with a broken heart and a huge, great, gaping hole in your life. You feel like your whole life has been shattered to bits and you just don’t know how you will survive. Getting through the next 60 seconds after hearing those fateful words feels like an eternity and you are sure you now know what dying really feels like.
Where Do Broken Hearts Go?
When you are heartbroken, hurting, angry, confused, feeling lonely and vulnerable you desperately want things to go back to what they were. At this point, anything feels better than the pain you are experiencing and at this point, you would do anything to get your ex back.
At this point it’s tempting to try to find any excuse to contact your ex – you want to get that sweater you left at their house or you want to return something they left at your place. It feels so hard to resist the urge to call your ex, park outside their work place, drive by their house or turn up at their best friend’s to find out what they are up to and to get advice on how to get your them back.
Getting Your Ex Back
There are more blogs and articles on How To Get Your Ex Back because when you are feeling hurt, vulnerable and needy these are the blogs and articles you will be reading first. It’s a great marketing ploy and it works – that’s why you are reading this article, isn’t it? You are desperately looking for the solution of how to get out of your pain and get your ex back and these guru’s will tell you that they have the answer to your problem. And let’sface it at this point, you’ll try anything!
When you’ve just been dumped, initially, all you can think about is how to get your ex back. It’s normal. The problem with this – and you probably don’t want to hear it – is that feeling vulnerable and needy is the absolute worst time to get hitched or re-hitched.
- Your ability to discern information is greatly compromised and you are not able to clearly think about what you really need and want in a happy relationship.
- Secondly, you are focusing on what you don’t want – this awful pain – rather than on what you do want . If you do get back with your ex, you are more than likely to put up with things you don’t want in the relationship in exchange for being able to get rid of your this current pain.
- Thirdly, you and your partner are more than likely to get back into the old habits and patterns unless you both make a committed decision and effort to change. As they say, it takes two to tango. Each person contributes to the breakdown of a relationship – knowingly and unknowingly – and so mending a broken relationship always takes two people to make changes.
You might be disappointed by what I’ve suggested, but before, you quit reading this, can I please make two suggestions. Firstly, can I ask you to bear with me and continue reading this blog? Secondly can I ask you to start off by giving yourself some time on your own and then if you still feel this way you can work on getting your ex back?
A friend of mine has just been going through a break-up and it’s been tough to watch the the range of emotions she has been experiencing the past few weeks: hurt, anger, a sense of rejection and betrayal. She lost her appetite, lost a lot of weight, and initially she couldn’t think about anything except how to get back with her ex.
It’s been a few weeks and she has moved from the blur of obsessing about how to get back with her ex, to having good and bad days and now beginning to have more good days as a single – on her own even. I’m meeting her for dinner this evening and it was lovely to read her email to me where she wrote, “maybe this single thing isn’t so bad after all.”
Oh and despite all the venus and mars stuff, this isn’t just a ‘female’ thing. I’ve seen this scenario time and time again with men as well as women. I’ve had male friends that have obsessed with showing up at their ex’s and desperately trying to get them back, who have lost their appetites, found it difficult if not damn near impossible to function at work. I’ve sat with these guys in my office, as they desperately try to come to terms with their loss and try to find a way to move on. It’s about experiencing loss.
When Love Hurts
Over the next few days and weeks, you feel like you are in a blur and then the blur slowly feels more like a roller coaster ride where you start having some good days followed by awful days when all you can think about are the good times you and your ex had together and when wherever you go, are all you see are those couples who seem lost in their own blissful state of happiness.
However painful, it is now, know that you will survive. We all come out on the other side and so will you. Everyone heals in a different way but most of you will go through a grieving process – it’s what happens after you experience a loss. There are roughly four basic stages you most likely will go through:
- Stage 1: Denial/Shock – you feel in shock, numb, can’t believe this is happening to you and do not want to accept that this is happening. It is at this stage that you would do anything to keep contact with your ex.
- Stage 2: Accepting The Reality – the reality of the situation sinks in and you are flooded with a whole range of emotions. One minute you feel sad and hurt, the next minute you are furious at your ex for what they have done to you.
- Stage 3: Reorganisation – this is where you slowly start accepting to and adjusting to being single.You gradually stop thinking in terms of you and your ex, and come to terms with being ‘one.’ You start having more good days and fewer bad days.
- Stage 4: Reinvesting – you are fully invested in your new life as a single. You feel normal most of the time now. You’ve built up a new life as a single and you are now enjoying it.
Everyone’s relationship and break-up is different and so the time you move through the different stages will vary – from a few months to two years. Oh and don’t worry if you ‘slip’ back into a stage – it’s a normal part of the process.
Top 10 Survival Tips
- Accept whatever you feel – feelings aren’t good or bad, they just are.
- Start getting in touch with your family and friends who you think will understand what you are going through – don’t isolate yourself.
- Get your diary out and filling it in with different activities, especially on the weekend – initially you may not enjoy it but now is the time to keep busy and be with your friends.
- Get rid of the relationship reminders – the pictures, cards and letters. If you don’t want to throw them out, give it to a friend to hold for you.
- For the time being, stay away from the places you used to go to.
- Listen to songs about surviving and feeling strong – not to what used to be “your song.”
- Keep a journal – write down all the things that were wrong with the relationship and the things that used to irritate you – especially when you are tempted to remember the relationship with rose tinted glasses.
- Delete your ex’s telephone number – talking with them at this point will only drive you back to obsessing about getting them back.
- Keep reminding yourself that you don’t need your ex in order to be happy.
- Think of all the people you know who have survived a broken relationship and believe that you will too.
As you move on with your life as a single, look for the best in people and you’ll find it; love life and it will love you back. Who knows, you may one day look back, and like me, realise it was the best and most important journey of your life!