Dating Traps – Dating Trap 1

Dating Trap 1: Trying To Be Someone You Are Not

For most people this happens all too easily.  You so badly want to make a good impression, so you read as many of the “how to date” books you can get your hands on.  They tell you, for example, what men and women are supposed to do on a successful date.

So as you’re feeling a bit nervous and you want to make a good impression, you might take some of that advice.  You might also go out and buy some new trendy clothes, or borrow your mates car – as his is nicer than yours.  And you also might even lie about your age, where you live or what job you really have.

The Problem

Initially this strategy seems to work – you may actually get the man or woman of your dreams. Yet, that is also when the problem really starts.  The person you’ve got has fallen for the “mask” you presented to them, not the real you.  This creates a big problem!

You now have to go into “mask maintenance strategy” to keep this relationship going.  I mean how long can you lie about your age, admit it was your best friend’s car, admit that the airport job you have is washing dishes in a restaurant, and after 6 months still be borrowing your friends flat when they are out of town to entertain your new love?

Your biggest worry now isn’t, “Can I find the person of my dreams”, but  “Can I keep them. What if they  find out who I really am – will they still love me?”

Not only is this exhausting, but when your relationship is based on fear of someone getting to truly know you, you miss out on the meaning of real intimacy.  The best you’ll get is some kind of pseudo-intimacy.

And also at some point, you will be caught off guard or the energy it takes to maintain that mask, overwhelms you with exhaustion, and the “mask” cracks.

Your partner feels conned – they didn’t get what they bargained for and trust is broken.

The Solution

I know it sounds simplistic but the bottom line is – Be Yourself!

There is nothing wrong with going out and getting advice and learning new skills – as long as what you take on helps you to feel that you are being more of you, not less of you.

At the end of the day, you want to know that someone loves you for who YOU are – warts and all.  This creates emotional safety in a relationship and from there you and your partner can experience true intimacy, in all its forms – physical, intellectual, emotional and ‘spiritual.’

If you don’t like the person you are, you’re right – others probably won’t like you either.  If you think you are boring – yes others will probably think you are boring too.  If you think you’ve got nothing to offer – you’re right, others will think you’ve got nothing to offer too.  If you think your life isn’t very exciting – you’re right, others won’t think your life is very exciting either.

The solution, however, isn’t to try and be someone else.  My colleague has sign on our notice board in our office that says: “Don’t try to be someone else, they are already taken!”

The solution is to discover who you really are, stretch yourself to be the best of who you are and create a life you love.

“But I don’t like who I am,” you say.  “What do you mean discover who I really am?”

I used to collect rocks and shells as a child.  I was fascinated by how ugly a rock could look on the outside but when you cracked it open it sparkled with such beautiful colors.

I think we are bit like that too.  When you get beneath the exterior of your defences, your protective mechanisms, your limiting beliefs and get to the core of who you really are and when you nourish that – you will sparkle too.

When you work on becoming the best of who you are – you will feel great in your own skin and you will attract someone that will love you for who you are, and not for who you ‘pretend’ to be!

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