Dating Trap 3: The Window Display Trap

Dating is a bit like window shopping.  As you walk past the shops, what lures you into the shop is the window display.  If you like what you see in the window, you are hopeful that you will also like what you find once you get into the shop.

Have you, however, been completely taken in by the window display, then walked into the shop, full of hope that you will find what you like, only to be utterly disappointed with what you actually found in the shop?  And you feel even more disappointed because you had such high hopes to begin with.

In Dating Trap 1, “Trying To Be Someone You’re Not,” we looked at how you might ‘package’ yourself in a way that you think others will be attracted to you.  Dating Trap number 3 is similar, but instead of focusing on how you might ‘package’ yourself to be attractive to others, Dating Trap number 3 is about how you look at the ‘packing’ of others.

In our modern society and especially through the power of the media, we are more caught up in “externals” than ever before.  There is a huge focus on youth, beauty, prestige, and wealth.. We are living in a very “image” conscious age and it’s so easy for singles to focus on these ‘externals’ when making up their shopping list of the qualities of their ideal partner.  What are the criteria on your ‘shopping list’ for your ideal partner?

Try This:

1. Take a few minutes and spontaneously jot down as many qualities you would want in your ideal partner.  Don’t spend too much time thinking – just jot down whatever comes to mind.
2. Now beside each word you wrote, write down either an “I” or an “E” depending on whether the quality describes an “Internal” quality or an “External” quality.
3. What do you notice – more internal qualities or more external qualities?
4. If your list is heavily weighted in favour of “External” qualities, what might happen if you shifted the balance?

The ‘Outside- In’ Trap

Now, while it’s natural to initially notice, to be attracted to and have preferences to what you see on the ‘outside,’ the danger is when this becomes your main focus in deciding the kind of person you eventually be with.

You see, the window display is probably the best feature of whatever is in the shop.  It is designed to catch your attention and to lure you into the shop, but it doesn’t necessarily reflect everything else that’s in the shop.  The window display is not a guarantee of what you’ll find once you go into the shop.

The problem with focusing on, ‘externals’ or the window display is that:

• You see what they want you to see, not what’s really there
• People most often dress up their window display
• The outside window display doesn’t necessarily reflect what’s inside
• What you see is not always what you’ll get
• You may pass up a great relationship because the window display wasn’t as you expected or wanted

Did you know that, according to some experts, roughly one third of what dating couples say to each other on the first three dates is either a straight-out lie or is heavily exaggerated?  According to these experts, dating couples are the biggest fibbers of all!

And there are lots of ways to fib:

• Your date projects a certain lifestyle that he/she can’t really afford but which fits an image.
• Your date claims similar interests to yours
• Your date wears the kind of clothes to impress, even if it’s not really their style
• Your date gives an impressive description of their job which ‘wows’ you

At some point, however, you find out the truth behind their masks.  You find out that:

• Your date is in a lot of debt and is constantly asking to borrow money from you or asking you to pay whenever the two of you go out
• When you invite your date to join you in one of your interests, they say they haven’t done it for awhile or aren’t really interested anymore
• Your date’s dress sense seems to get worse the longer you are together
• You find out that your date’s job, isn’t after all, that impressive and they have very little time off or inhumane hours.

Focusing purely on people’s ‘externals’ is no guarantee for a happy relationship.  Getting that gorgeous girl or the wealthy guy may make you feel good in the short term – it may stroke your ego, but it won’t actually make them capable of loving you the way you really want to be loved.

As David Steele, in his book Conscious Dating puts it:

“If your goal is an internal experience-such as to be happy, loved, and fulfilled in a relationship-we must balance external preferences with internal ones.”

So what are the “Internal” qualities – the character and personality traits – that you want in your ideal partner?

Try This:

1. Take a few minutes and spontaneously jot down as many “Internal” qualities you would want in your ideal partner.  Don’t spend too much time thinking – just jot down whatever comes to mind.
2. For the qualities you listed – have you got a clear definition of that quality? What would tell you your date possessed that quality?  What would tell you they didn’t possess it? Get as specific as you can.

Once you get real clarity about those qualities, what difference might that make for you?

Just as importantly as thinking about the qualities you want in your ideal partner is to think about you and who you are.  Do you reflect the qualities you are seeking?  In the famous words of Mahatma Gandi:

“We Must Become The Change We Want To See”

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