Dating Trap 6: Common Interests Are Enough

You just can’t believe your luck with your new date as you realise how much the two of you have in common!  You both like the same foods, are into the same hobbies, enjoy reading the same kind of books, are into the same kinds of films and you both absolutely adore the very same band!  You just know that this is a match made in heaven . . . .  . .

It’s very easy to buy into the idea that common interests guarantee a successful relationship – but it’s a subtle trap.  You see, while having common interests can be part of a successful relationship, they don’t absolutely guarantee a successful relationship – and here’s why:

If the strongest bond you have are your common interests
- if your interests change, how you feel about the relationship will also change.

Believing that having common interests guarantees a successful relationship is a subtle but dangerous trap because it can create a false illusion that the relationship is at a deeper level than it actually is.

It’s Not Common Interests but Common Values . . .

While having some common interests certainly adds to a successful relationship, they aren’t enough.  It’s not common interests but common values that lay the foundation for a happy relationship.

Values are personal.  They are not right or wrong and they are different for different people.  Values are about what is important for you – they are an expression of who you truly are. What is right for you may not be right for those around you and may be a source of disagreement and dissatisfaction.

Your values are what motivate and drive you and are reflected in your goals and how you live.  Every time you have to decide between several choices, the choice your make reflects the values you hold.

As an example, let’s take money which is one of three resources we all have – time, energy and money.  How you use each of this resources is all down to the value you place on it.

• Chris and Susan were having yet another argument about their finances.  It certainly wasn’t for lack of communication that they had this problem.  They had been here many times before.  Yet, no matter how much they discussed this issue, they just couldn’t resolve their differences.  Whenever Chris went shopping, he would only buy the best.  Susan, on the other hand, would only buy what she absolutely needed and only shop during the sales.  Chris accused Susan of being ‘stingy’ and Susan accused Christ of being ‘irresponsible.’

Chris and Susan were both good people, but they just had very different value criteria for money.  Their value around money was reflected in how they used and managed it. The difference in their value around money was the problem, not the money itself.

While finances are a huge issue in relationships, those “little” or “stupid”  things”  that couples repeatedly argue about also come down to a question of values.  The arguments you have about those “little” or “stupid” things, have nothing to do with what you are actually arguing about.  These actually just represent a difference in core values that you and another person hold.

Your values affect every decision you make – from the career you choose, to the hobbies you chose, to how you spend your leisure time, how you manage your finances and who you choose as a life partner.

When your life is aligned with your values, you feel happy and fulfilled.  When your life and values are not aligned you experience stress, unhappiness and confusion.  When you and your partner share similar values you will experience more harmony in your relationship.

The problem is that most people don’t even know what their core values are. Most people are living out the values handed down from their parents or their culture and it’s just not something we are used to thinking about. Good coaching will help you elicit and understand your core values.

Getting clear about your values is like having a compass.  Without a compass you are like a ship being tossed about at the mercy of the wind and sea, never knowing where you’ll end up.

Life has a habit of just taking over but with a compass you can steer your life course and stay on track with your goals and plans.  Values helps you get clear about setting your priorities, gives you clarity about the small everyday choices you have to make as well as those big decisions you have to make.

And when things go wrong, your values will help you to manage those difficult times and help you to know how to get back on track again.

Once you become clear on what your values are, your life will feel more balanced, fulfilled and less stressful and your relationships will have more harmony.

Values Can’t Be Compromised

You often hear people say that the secret to a happy relationship is being able to compromise.  While you do make compromises in a relationship, the one aspect that you can’t compromise is your values.

While your goals and interests may change over time, core values don’t change and if you  compromise your values, for your partner, you lose yourself.  Ultimately this will affect your relationship as well.

So when thinking about who you want to be with and whether the person you are dating is right for you, remember that your values express your idea of how relationships should be.  You can’t have a good relationship with someone until you both agree on what a good relationship looks like.   Knowing your core values will help you get clarity.

Some questions to be thinking about:

• Is this person capable of loving me the way I want to be loved?
• Am I capable of loving this person in the way they want to be loved?
• Does this person want the kind of relationship I want?
• Do our hopes, dreams and expectations about a relationship match?

Your happiness depends on not only knowing your core values, but also in living a life aligned with them.  That’s what authenticity is about – walking your talk, living your life in accordance with who you really are.  It’s about being more of you – not less of you.