Dating Trap 7: The Venus-Mars Trap

We are living in the modern world, at a time, for the first time in history, when we have more freedom to chose the kind of relationships and lives we want and yet we are struggling more than ever in our relationships.  The battle of the sexes continues to rage on, becoming more, not less intense. What is going on?  Where has it gone wrong?

Samantha’s partner, Michael was made redundant from his job in the New Year.  “We thought it might be coming but it still was a shock,” she said. They worked out how they could cut down on their spending until Michael was able to find another job.

After a few months Samantha and Michael found themselves arguing about who should be taking care of the chores around the house.  Samantha assumed Michael would take on more of the responsibility now that he was out of work, while Michael considered the housework Samantha’s domain.

Samantha and Michael are caught in what many couples in this generation are struggling with – trying to fit the old model of gender roles in a world where social roles are changing both in the home and the workplace.

A gender stereotype is defined as a set of beliefs about what it means to be female or male,” writes  Susan Golombok, and Robyn Fivush in their book Gender Development.  They are the beliefs we hold about being man or woman.

“Our generation is caught up in the thick of a paradigm shift and our values have yet to catch up with our new roles in the workplace and home,” says Harriet Pappenheim, a couples therapist and co-author of For Richer or Poorer:  Keeping Your Marriage Happy When She’s Making More Money.

Though we think we have moved on in terms of gender stereotype roles, when it comes to a situation like redundancy  we experience a conflict because without realising it we are still holding on to old gender stereotypes.

A situation like redundancy threatens our deeply held beliefs about what it means to be a man and a woman.
Isn’t it fascinating that at a time in history, just as we are beginning to let go of old gender stereotypes, the self-help, popular psychology books and the dating advice literature paint a picture of men and women being so different as to come from different planets.

As Susan Jeffers notes, “While men and women are beginning to see the advantages for equality between the sexes, old stereotypes hang in there and mess with our minds.”(The Feel The Fear Guide To Lasting Love, p 177)

Here’s what seems to be happening: The “relationship experts” have capitalised on the culturally accepted gender stereotypes and have created a multi-million dollar industry which not only explains why men and women are so different, but also offers advice, books and other products on how to bridge the gap between the genders.

“No sphere of human relations is so beset by cliche’ and generalisations as that of the opposition between men and women.  In every type of behaviour, men, we are constantly told, are X and women are Y. ‘Men cannot multitask; women can do 400 things at once.  Women cannot separate love and sex; men like nothing more than to wham and bam, rarely even stopping to thank their ma’ams. Men gorge on beer; women, chocolate,’” writes David Baddiel  (Psychologies July 2009, p 33).

The assumptions you buy into when you buy into  Venus-Mars paradigm are:

• There are huge differences between men and women and fewer similarities

• These differences are a product of nature, not nurture – it’s the way our brains are wired

• So you just have to learn how to live with it and work around the differences (and, by the way  if you buy our products we’ll help you out)

Mars – Venus:  Myth or Reality, Fact or Fiction?

The Facts – Some Snippets:

There isn’t time to go into an exhaustive discourse about the research here – both the research, you don’t hear about or the research that is misquoted and misrepresented.  A few snippets will have to suffice:

• Research doesn’t actually statistically support the huge differences purported between the genders.  Hyde, a psychologist who specialises in “meta-analysis” – a statistical technique which allows the analyst to collate many different research findings and draw overall conclusions from them, found that in almost every case, the overall differences made by gender is either small or close to zero.

• Research actually shows that there are more similarities than differences, but we actively look for differences in the research

• As well as underplaying similarities between the genders, research minimises the differences within the genders.  When there is a difference, it gets excused – “she has a male brain.”

• Research that doesn’t fit the stereotypes doesn’t get published

• Most people get their information about scientific findings from newspapers or from television, which don’t use the most stringent criteria. A typical example:

In 2005 a report was published that claimed that men have trouble hearing women.  Mark Liberman, a professor of phonetics, was prompted by his scepticism, to find out where the author had got her figures.
To cut a long story short, she admitted to having found the evidence from a self-help book.  The author of the report admitted that her claim was not supported by evidence and said it would be deleted from future editions.  But the damage was already done. ( See Deborah Cameron, The Myth of Mars and Venus, p 20).

• The explanation that gender differences are biologically based – down to our innate ‘wiring’ imply it can’t be changed. This argument completely ignores the research on the impact of culture and our experiences and the newest and growing research on the plasticity of the brain.

Why We Buy Into The Myth of Mars and Venus Paradigm

It is a human tendency to rely on stereotypes when processing information about people – we all do it to some degree.  It’s a shortcut to help us deal with new people and situations.

Because we  have a desire to fit in and belong (see Maslow’s Hierarchy of Human Needs), we use the information about gender as information about what’s “normal.”

“Individuals who deviate too much from the stereotyped views of masculinity and femininity are seen somewhat negatively . . .  the aggressive woman who is seen as a bitch or the nurturing, compliant man who is seen as a wimp”  (Golomok and Fivush p 19).

The more we need to fit in the more we will adhere to the gender stereotypes.

In fact,  Golombok and Fivush note that “overall males tend to hold more stereotyped views about gender than females, and individuals with more years of formal education tend to be less stereotyped in their views about gender than those with less formal schooling” (p 19).

Another reason we buy into it is that a certain percentage of the population do fit in the typical gender  stereotypes.  But as the research shows, these individuals only account for the 30 – 40 percent of the (American) population. It doesn’t accurately describe the 60 to 70 percent of people who don’t fit into the stereotype. (Tieger & Barron Tieger in Just Your Type, p 4).  It’s easy to believe we fit in because we want to.

The Real Dangers Behind The Mars-Venus Myth

In their popular book, Why Men Don’t Listen and Women Can’t Read Maps, Allen & Barbara Pease write:

“If women and men are identical….how could men ever have achieved such total dominance over the world?” (p 7).

The danger of such a statement is that it does not account for any cultural context.  Until more recently women:

Were denied the right to an education
Were denied the right to work
Were  denied the right to vote
Were denied public speaking

And have you noticed that when women exceed men in education, we get worried and it hits the headlines that we need to do more for our boys.

What about what is happening to women in Iraq, who are now being forced to wear head scarves?

It reminds one of the days, when blacks, in America, were labelled as less intelligent and used as slaves – all the while they were being denied the same rights of work and education as the whites.  Today the United States has a black president.

I’m also intrigued that the authors of Why Men Don’t Listen and Women Can’t Read Maps, have missed some glaring contradictions in their book.  For example, they give evidence to show that that women are much better at peripheral vision.  Yet later on they explain that fighter pilots can learn to increase their peripheral vision.

Two things strike me here. Firstly, it should follow that if women are biologically wired to have better peripheral vision, then they would qualify as better fighter pilots, yet this is a predominately male profession.  Secondly, if peripheral vision is innate, then how could male fighter pilots be taught to increase theirs?

To argue, this day in age that mens’ “total dominance” is down to innate wiring is ludicrous! Let’s not be so naive as to believe that gender stereotypes is devoid of a cultural context.

More Problems With Venus-Mars

• The Gender War has increased not decreased.  Despite all the relationship advice from all the experts the gender gap has widened.  As one of my clients remarked in exasperation:  “if men and women are so different to start with, we haven’t a hope in hell of making relationships work.”

• Generalisations encourage excuses. When you and your partner disagree on something – it’s so much easier to fall back into the default model – “it’s just the way we men/women are.”

• There really isn’t a  solution to the conflicts and problems that we are experiencing during this social change.  The solution being offered – is to do nothing.  The message is to accept what cannot be altered, and apportion blame – the women’s movement being the most obvious.

• What you expect is what you get.  If you keep telling men and women how they should be, that’s what they will be. We are perpetuating an old model of gender stereotypess despite it clearly not working in today’s world.

The Venus-Mars paradigm stops us thinking about what social arrangements might work better than our current ones, in the world in which we live in.

As Deborah Cameron suggests, “Men are from Earth.  Women are from Earth.  Deal with it.  Clinging to myths about the way men and women communicate is no way to deal with it.  To deal with the problems and opportunities facing men and women now, we must look beyond the myth of of Mars and Venus” (The Myth of Mars and Venus, p 181)

What would happen if we could step outside of the Mar-Venus paradigm and really think about what would best work for us – in whatever situation the modern world presents to us?

Are you caught up in the Mars-Venus Trap?  If you are, maybe that’s why you are struggling to find your ideal partner.

Maybe that’s why your relationships don’t last – you don’t have the flexibility to flow with change.  It’s hard to be flexibel if you are caught in a trap.

As Susan Jeffers recommends and to which I whole-heartedly agree:

“Don’t let the opinions of experts (including me) affect your choice of how to be in a relationship.. . You have to rely on your own wisdom by picking up the mirror, looking inside, seeing what feels right for you and then following your heart.”  (Feel The Fear Guide To Lasting Love, p 185).