The A-Z Guide For Successful Singles – H is for Happiness

Do you suffer the “if only – then” syndrome?  Do you find yourself saying things like, “if only I could win the lottery, then I’ll be happy” or  “If I get that promotion, then I’ll be happy” or “if only my husband/wife, boyfriend/girlfriend would be different then I would be happy.”

What is your “If only……then I would be happy” formula?

The typical belief that most people have about happiness is that it comes from getting what you want or, to put it differently, happiness comes from ‘without.’ It’s the reason people get caught in the trap of chasing the material things in life – money, possessions, power, status.

 If you stop to think about it – everything we do is motivated by the desire to be happy. The new car, the bigger house, following the latest fashion trend, that exotic holiday, the promotion we chase, the places we frequent, the people we hang out with, the things we do in our free time, the cosmetic products we buy – all of these are really a means to an end.  We do all those things in order to feel happy.

However, we all know (and research now confirms) that such happiness is short lived.  You’ve been there: bought the new clothes, bought the new car, chased that promotion, reached for the chocolate bar and felt good – for awhile.  Sadly, in a short time, the ‘high’ wore off and another ‘fix’ was needed to reach that high again or experience that fleeting moment of ‘happiness’. 

This realization has lead to another school of thought that says happiness doesn’t come from ‘without’ but rather that happiness comes from ‘within’. Far Eastern philosophy is a champion of this view, embracing ideas of being ‘present’, meditation and finding inner peace. 

This is certainly closer to the mark and research has confirmed that ‘happiness’ has much to do with mindset.  Research has suggested, for example, that people who are happier have a more optimistic outlook on life and people who are happy hold different beliefs and attitudes than unhappy people. 

But while happiness is an ‘inside job’ – it comes from ‘within’ – research from the field of positive psychology shows that, this theory on its own,  isn’t complete.

In fact, recent research suggests that yes, happiness does come from ‘within.’  And, yes, it also comes from ‘without’ – there are certain external conditions that contribute to our happiness.

 The Happiness Hypothesis

 In his book, The Happiness Hypothesis, Jonathan Haidt shares the “happiness formula” that has emerged from the research carried out in the field of positive psychology:

 H = S + C + V

Here’s what the formula says:  The level of happiness that you actually experience (H) is determined by your biological set point (S) plus the conditions of your life (C) plus the voluntary activities (V) you do. 

 In a nutshell, here’s the theory: 

• while we may have a genetic predisposition to being more or less happy (S),
• there are Conditions (C) that matter; and
•  there are Voluntary activities (V) that can make a difference

According to this formula, everyone’s happiness levels can be increased which is really good news for anyone, for example who has a tendency (genetic maybe even?)  to see the glass as ‘half empty’, rather than ‘half full’.

So What Are These ‘External’ Conditions?

Research suggests that there are some external conditions (C) that negatively impact our happiness level and increase our stress levels, including:

•  Noise – research shows that noise, especially noise that is variable or intermittent, interferes with concentration and increases stress.
•  Long commutes to work – research shows that even after years of commuting, those whose journeys are traffic filled still arrive at work with higher levels of stress hormones.
•  Lack of control – in a famous study at a nursing home, the residents who resided on a floor where they were given a sense of control were happier, more active and more alert than on the floor where a similar sense of control was denied.  And 18 months later the residents of the floor given control enjoyed better health and there only been half as many deaths.

 But can you guess which external ‘condition’ contributing to higher levels of happiness hit the top of the list?  You guessed it – Relationships! 

The condition that is said to trump all others in importance is the strength and number of a person’s relationships.

And conflict within relationships is one of the surest ways to reduce personal happiness.  As Jonathan Haidt reminds us in his book, The Happiness Hypothesis: 

 “We never adapt to interpersonal conflict; it damages every day, even days when you don’t see the other person but ruminate about the conflict nonetheless.”

And who can’t relate to that statement? Just think about a difficult relationship from the past.  You might even be in one now.  Even when these people are not physically present, you end up thinking about them and all those very powerful, negative emotions associated with them that surface, too.  So much energy is sucked from you as you think about that relationship!

The external ‘condition’ that is said to triumph all others – isn’t wealth, isn’t material possessions, isn’t position or power  The external ‘condition’ influencing happiness is the strength and number of person’s relationships!

Good Quality Relationships = Higher Levels of Happiness

 Don’t be one of those who is so busy chasing ‘things’ that you forget your most important investment for your happiness – relationships.  With the right mind-set you can achieve extraordinary relationships.

 

“If you have a pessimistic view of relationships, that will be your experience. If you don’t believe that a happy relationship is possible, then you won’t find it. If you don’t believe you will ever find your ideal partner, then you won’t.”

 

“If you want a great relationship, you must believe that it is possible. If you want to find your ideal partner, you must believe you will find him or her.”

 

Susanne Jorgensen (Get Real! Relationship Success Is An Inside Job)