Dating for Divorcees

It’s no secret: Dating again after a divorce can be intimidating. Who? Me out there again? What are the rules now? I have no idea what to do, let alone how to meet someone.

Ever felt that way or said that to yourself?  One piece of reassurance: You’re not alone.

After 20 years of marriage, having gone from daddy to university to husband – and never having lived on my own –here I was a singleton who was about to embark on the dating scene. I felt scared and unsure as hell.

Finding the right approach for you can make the process a lot less unnerving—and yes, fun!  If you follow a few guidelines, you can lessen the trauma and you will find that dating can indeed be  fun.

#1: “Take Your Time”

The person you thought you’d share your life with is suddenly out of the picture, and the world as you knew it is changing. You need time to heal, and diving into a relationship before you have dealt with your emotions is a set-up for failure.

When you are feeling quite raw from the breakup of a relationship you are in a super-sensitive state.   If the other person does or says anything that reminds you of your ex, you’ll react out of the past and not from the momen.  The response you get probably won’t be what you want, hope for, expect or need..  After awhile it’ll affect your self-esteem. You’ll find a way to push the person away.

I’d say that the minimum time it takes is at least six months to really be ready to date again.  Some signs that you are ready to date again are:

• You’re no longer reliving the events of your previous relationship
• You are not angry with or ex or obsessed with what happened
• You understand your own part in what went wrong
• You are moving on other areas of your life

One of my clients  who  divorced after 15 years of marriage put it this way:

“In the beginning, everything was a reminder of the past,” says the mom of two. “Then I made a list of all the things I wanted to do that I didn’t get to because of marriage, distraction and children, and I checked them off as I did them.  As time passed, I didn’t cry as much, and I started to be happier. That’s when I knew I was ready to move forward.”

#2: “I’ll Learn From My Experience”

It’s easy to fall into the trap of ignoring the past—no one wants to revisit painful memories. It’s also easy to blame the other one.  It can leave you feeling so justified.  But to really move forward, you’ve got to step back. All human beings work in patterns. You don’t want to get into another bad pattern. Deconstruct your previous relationship – you have some unconscious programming that drives your choices of partners. It’s not a mystery, and once you understand that, you can see your own part as well as the other person’s part. The beauty of it is that by changing your part of the pattern you’ve been running you can break it. Make new mistakes, not old ones.

If you need to, find a therapist or coach who can help you start figuring out what went wrong and how not to go there again.   Usually after the first consulation my clients understand their “love map” programming – and they feel liberated.  Now they can do something to change their situation.

Understanding the roles you and your ex played and taking responsibility for your part will help you get over the past—and avoid repeating it!

#3: “I will have fun!”

Once you know what mistakes not to repeat, you should go out and zero in on someone who’s as different from your ex as possible, right?  Wrong. Getting too picky too soon makes it hard for you to achieve your first dating goal: to get comfortable with the process.

In the beginning don’t worry about whether each new person you meet is “The One,” Just go out, and have some fun. Relax, and get your feet wet a little.” That means reducing your expectations of what you want in the person you meet and not reading things into the person. Try to just socialize and be in the present moment instead of calculating if a relationship will develop.

This non-judgmental attitude is crucial to enjoying dating, especially in the beginning when it’s all new and scary to you. You need to be open to meeting all different kinds of people and not relying on just your initial view of a person.  There could be good traits about a person that you’re not seeing if you dismiss him or her right away. Remember, it’s all a learning process.  Later when you know yourself better you can hone your ‘requirements’ more specifically.

#4: “I’ll lean on my friends”

Chances are that when you were married, you lost touch with some, maybe even most, of your friends – that was my case for sure.  Now’s a good time to jumpstart the connections again. Look up friends from your past who can give you a link to the person you were before you got married. Finding out who you really are will help you build meaningful relationships next time around. With the advent of social networking – sites like facebook are a wonderful way of reconnecting.  Don’t poo poo it until you have tried it.  Every day I hear people speaking excitedly about who they re-connected with after so many years.

Being connected with others will also lessen the likelihood that you end up with depression.  The clinical research – and my own experience in my clinical work- is consistent.  People who are more connected are less likely to suffer depression than those who don’t have a social network.

When you’ve been in relationship and especially a long one, you’ve  sort of give up your own identity, and you will need some time to find yourself again. Surrounding yourself with friends who will listen to you without judgment or advice is key. They’ll be there for you when you don’t want to be alone, and in sharing their issues and problems, can help you see beyond your own sorrow. They can reconnect you with the things your single self used to enjoy. And while new friendships can take a while to forge, they are a wonderful source of energy in your life

#5: “I will discover and pursue my passions”

You know how meeting people was a lot easier in school? That’s because you were thrown in with a group of peers, there was no pressure, and you got a chance to get to know people gradually. Try the same thing now. Join organizations, groups, and associations that interest you is a good approach.  You learn something new, which is an instant boost to your confidence, and you meet new people. They may be older or younger, but they introduce you to other people.  And if some of your new friends are single, so much the better—they may make the best companions at this time in your life when you want to be out and about rather than hanging out with your coupled-up pals.

I started going to Ceroc dance lessons when I was newly single.  The beauty of it is that you don’t need a partner as you get rotated throughout the lessons. You can bring a mate if you find it too difficult to show up on your own.  Some of my long standing friendships were those I forged from the lessons.

If you used to like or still do like physical activity then try rock-climbing or hiking.  I once went out on a rock-climbing date.    I was meeting men who shared my enthusiasm for being active, I had the added bonus of keeping me in shape and the “date” was much less pressured and so much more fun.

How about adult classes at a local college, cooking or wine-tasting courses, attending book readings, gardening lectures, whatever piques your interest. Get on line and  find groups of people in your area who share your passions. Discovering kindred spirits is a thrill, and, who knows, one of them might be a great person to invite out for a coffee date!

The bottom line is:  Take time to rediscover yourself and your passions and dating will be a source of fun, not anxiety.  And who knows, you may discover some hidden talents and passions along the way!

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