A Woman Scorned …..

A few days ago, out of the blue a coaching client of mine received the most seething, insulting email from a woman threatening her personally and implying she would ‘expose’ my clients integrity if my client went near ‘her’ man.  She didn’t sign her name (and I have my view on people who do that….) but my client knew who this woman was.

In that split second of a moment it took her to read the email, she described feeling as if the wind had been knocked out of her.  She said she was shocked, stunned and described a wave of anger flooding through her whole body.

“I mean how dare this woman, who has never met me, say things like that to me and about me” said my client with exasperation.  As she continued to read the email she described another wave of fury flooding throughout her body.  Reading between the lines, my client realised that this woman had obviously been misinformed and had come  to the conclusion that my client was “coveting” her new man.  This man was an ex partner of my client with whom she had an amicable split awhile ago, but with whom she had been friends with ever since.

Now before you come to the conclusion that you can’t be friends with your ex (another classic belief singles hold) hear me out.  My client is friends with all her ex’s  (minus one) – so it’s not about that – not in this case anyway.

The problem was that my client and her ex had a brief ‘encounter’ which his current partner found out about.  At the time of the ‘encounter’ my client was told by her ex that his relationship with this woman was ending.  Their relationship didn’t end, however, and so from her perspective the ‘liaison’ happened while they were still in a relationship.  The woman was still convinced that my client was‘after’ him and therefore sees her as a continued threat.

No  here’s a question I have in such a situation – why do women blame other women when their men ‘stray’?  The issue seems to be more an issue about their relationship than about the ‘other woman.’   If their relationship was solid there would be no straying.  Isn’t it about time women start putting the responsibility where it belongs – at their partner and at the cracks in their relationship rather than directing it to the ‘other woman’.

If they don’t insist that their men take responsibility at this point, then how do they expect them to ever own any responsibility for the relationship?  But then again it’s easier to blame ‘the other woman’ than to think that there is something wrong with the relationship or to believe that your man  is less than in love with you.  Blaming ‘the other woman’ is a great denial.

I certainly don’t condone women who chase married men or men who are in a relationship.  I have been approached on numerous occasions by married men but have chosen not to go down that road.  It rarely ends ‘happily ever after.’

But back to my client:

My client told me how it took everything in her not to respond to that email.  She so badly wanted to reply to that email with a copy to her ex partner (she had a hunch he wouldn’t have a clue about this email and what a shock he would have had to receive it in his inbox).  She told me she so wanted to respond to each and every point in the most articulately damning way that she could – but then she realised she would be lowering herself to the ‘scorned’ woman’s  level wouldn’t she?

She decided to hold ‘fire’ and she phoned her ex,  leaving him a message to urgently call her back.  She wanted to give him the chance to give an explanation before she decided any further action.

My client finally spoke to her ex and he admitted his lack of dealing with the situation and burying his head in the sand (something he was notorious for doing when they were together apparently) which is what gave rise to this situation.

The issue isn’t completely resolved for my client but there are several lessons in this situation worth thinking about.

1. When someone tells you they are ending a relationship proceed with caution.  They may think their relationship is ending, but might not have communicated that to their partner.  If you get involved, you will be seen to be the one who broke their relationship and even if their relationship survives, you will forever more be seen as the threat.
2. It might be best not to get together with someone who has only recently broken up and who isn’t emotionally finished with their previous relationship.  Until they completely let go of the old relationship they could firstly still choose to go back and secondly they cannot fully commit to the new relationship.
3. If your partner strays – put the responsibility where it belongs.  Threatening the ‘other woman’ (or ‘other man’) not to come near your partner only speaks volumes about your insecurities within your relationship.  It isn’t going to help you work through your insecurities, it won’t help your partner take responsibility and it won’t help you sort through the issues in your relationship creating the insecurities.  This woman has no idea what an explosion she could have created had this email gone to someone else with less maturity and restraint – World War III might have broken out which wouldn’t have been useful to anyone.
4. The other strategy often used is to demand your new partner to cut off ties with their ex’s even though they may have been friends for years. Again, this speaks volumes about the insecurities in the relationship.   If you have to resort to such strategies, you build your relationship on shaky ground and it doesn’t do your self esteem any good knowing he can only be with you if he cuts ties with his ex.   Look, he either wants you or he doesn’t.
5. If you are the one in the relationship and your new partner is demanding that you cut off ties with your ex’s then you should really be questioning this new relationship.  If he or she doesn’t trust you because you have those friendships then what does that say about your new relationship?  Do you really want to be with someone who doesn’t trust you?  They  will always be insecure and paranoid and you will always feel like you are on trial. Those relationships don’t tend to last

No matter how honest or decent you are, you are human and sometimes things still go wrong.  When that happens put your hand up and try to deal with the situation with integrity.  Sometimes things turn out badly even though that was never your intention and sometimes you get the blame when the fault wasn’t yours to begin with.

What counts at the end of the day is not what happens to you but with what you do with what happens.  Keep your integrity and move forward with the new learning – that’s what wisdom is about after all, isn’t it?

What do you think?

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