How to Affair Proof Your Relationship

Infidelity is a hot topic in the news these days because of its association with celebrities. Hardly a day goes by without some blazing headline of yet someone else who has been caught having an affair. The most recent shock was when golf’s golden boy, Tiger Woods hit the headlines – and for all the wrong reasons.

And it isn’t just a problem for the rich and famous – it’s something that has touched and will touch the lives of many men and women.  You probably know someone who has had a partner cheat on them or maybe you have been affected by an affair yourself.

There is no single reason why men and women have affairs. There are a myriad of reasons and some of the reasons can stem from psychological roots that go back to childhood – where the templates for their “love map” and their attitudes and beliefs get formed.

Some other reasons behind the affairs are sex, entitlement, lust, ego, boredom, loneliness, need for validation, need to feel desirable or knowing “I’ve still got it.” Some people are drawn to risk, excitement and the curiosity. Others are power seekers, with a feeling the rules don’t apply to them. Still others are trying to escape a painful or emotionally dead relationship.

The statistics tend to be fairly consistent and report that about 50% of relationships are affected by an affair.  According to US News & World Report a full 99% of Americans expect their spouse to be faithful.  Imagine that 99% of those polled expect their spouse or partner to cheat!

If you go into a relationship believing or expecting your partner to cheat , you will struggle with being able to have a fulfilling and happy relationship because:

• You will be protecting yourself for “when it happens.”   You won’t be able to experience emotional intimacy because emotional intimacy  require vulnerability – the stripping away of masks, facades and defences and you can’t both be open and closed at the same time.
• You will inadvertently be part of creating the conditions for an affair –
  • either not committing fully to the relationship and working on it as if it will last forever, or
  • you will constantly be suspicious, questioning and nagging – which will surely lead to the death of your relationship.

As much as you want to believe that you can “affair-proof” your relationship – and there are all kinds of experts that will tell you that you can (if you buy their product) – the truth is  – you cannot 100% “affair proof” your relationship.

There are, however, some conditions in a relationship that will make an affair less likely to happen and these things include:

Mutual Respect.  It’s your job to find out what you do or say that makes your partner feel you respect them.  It’s also your job to make sure your partner knows what makes you feel respected.  There is no room for mind reading here or “if he/she loved me they would know.”  You will have different expectations about what respect means for you so spell it out.

Open Communication.  That means you say if you are unhappy about things in the relationship.  It’s not nagging.  It’s a sign that you want this relationship to be even better because it matters to you.

Joint Responsibility.  A good relationship takes both parties to take responsibility for it’s success.  The happiness or unhappiness of a relationship is never down to one partner.  A couple is engaged in a “dance.”  For the dance to go smoothly,  the footwork has to be in cinc for both dancers.

Fair Conflict.  Two individuals are going to clash at times.  That’s ok – it just means you are two individuals.  Learn how to express your feelings, listen to each other and negotiate.  Don’t attack the person, stick with the issue. And remember it’s not about who wins but whether the relationship wins.

If you aren’t in a relationship but considering one, there are a few ways to determine whether your partner is likely to cheat on you or not.

• Examine their relationship history and patterns. History does tend to repeat itself, and your current relationship will be no exception.
• Find out what your potential partners attitudes and beliefs are about relationship ‘rules’, relationship responsibility and affairs.
• Check out how you two communicate – not just on what you agree on but also on what you don’t agree on. Can you both be honest with each other about how you really think and feel?
• Check out how ‘flexible’ your potential partner is.  Can they negotiate? Are they able to take different perspectives on issues or do they believe it’s their way and their way only?
• And finally – this may seem obvious but I can’t believe people still do it:  Don’t get into a relationship with someone who is cheating on someone to be with you.  If he or she is doing it with you now – they will potentially do it to you later.

The bottom line is that you cannot control the other person and so there is no such thing as an “affair proof” relationship.  But if you go into the relationship believing it will succeed and doing your part to create the conditions for a fulfilling relationship, the greater chances you will have for a successful reationship.

Don’t waste time on worrying about something that might never happen, so let go of the fear, fully engage in and enjoy your relationship!  Remember that if 50% of relationships are affected by an affair – that means 50% aren’t – and why shouldn’t your relationship be amongst that 50%?