“It’s So Hard To Meet People”

One of my many single friends was complaining to me the other day about how hard it was to meet people and I made the mistake of suggesting a whole list of things he could be doing.  It was a mistake because he spent the whole time trying to convince me that every idea I suggested wasn’t going to work.

Over the years, I’ve lost track of the number of time I’ve suggested to singles what they could do to meet others and only to have them respond by trying to convince me that:

• Each idea, for whatever reason, was a bad idea
• Each idea, for whatever reason, hadn’t worked in the past
• Each idea, for whatever reason, wouldn’t work in the future

And once they’ve said their bit, they let out this huge sigh while uttering the words “There are just no good ways to meet people”

Now I know there are tons of ways to meet people, yet so many singles seem to be using their time and energy to convince me (and other singles) that there really are no good ways to meet people! What on earth is going on here?

I’ll tell you what’s going on:  It’s a story that many singles cling to because of fear and ambivalence – often of which they are not even aware of.

You see, by relying on this ‘story’ singles can safely stay in their comfort zones and they avoid:

• Falling in love
• Being rejected
• Experiencing all those other ‘vulnerabilities’ that love entails

And further more it allows them:

• To stay single but hopeful
• To stay in the safe zone of being single with the excitement of looking
• To relinquish taking any responsibility for being single

If you find yourself in this group of singles, saying you want to meet someone but then rejecting or dismissing all the suggestions that come your way, then I’d suggest you take some time to examine your reasons or excuses.

You may be either, deep down fearful of being rejected or hurt or you are ambivalent about what the ‘cost’ of a relationship might be for you – you may fear you have to give up something that you hold equally valuable.

If you don’t explore what’s going on you could be caught in the “yes, but” cycle for a long time.

How To Meet Others – The Real Secret

Now if on the other hand you really do want to know what the secret to meeting others is, I’ll tell you.  Here’s the real secret:  It doesn’t matter which method or methods you use.  What matters is that you do something!

That’s it – that’s the secret.  It’s not enough to read about ideas, talk about them or even visualise them – you have to actually do something.

It’s a bit like looking for a job – you can wish for, hope for, talk about, dream about what job you want.  But to make it happen you have to get out there, look for the jobs and go for it.  You’ve got to figure out what job you might enjoy, you may have to do a bit of research on the company or the type of job, you may have to learn some skills, you’ll have to contact someone and then you actually have to show up for the interview.

Shopping for a potential mate isn’t really all that different.  Here are a few suggestions:

1. Get out and do things you enjoy. Plan ahead – put some dates in your diary.  It’s so easy to think you’ll do something and then never get around to doing it.
2. Think “abundance” and not “scarcity”.  Deliberately increase the flow of people in your life – stretch your normal limits a bit.  Go for volume – kiss lots of frogs.  And don’t make the mistake of trying to make a relationship work because of a scarcity mentality or settle for a “better-than-nothing” relationship.
3. Expand your comfort zone and try new things you might enjoy.  One of the most successful ways of meeting people is through your friends so ask your friends what activities they enjoy – and go along with them to try something new out.
4. Get clarity about what sort of relationship you want.  Do you want friends at the moment to go to events with, do you want to date but not settle down, or do you want a committed relationship? There is no right and wrong type of relationship – as long as you are clear and you convey that. Nothing worse than two people being together with very different ideas about the relationship – at some point it will come to a head.  Better to avoid that and be clear right from the start.
5. Don’t give up what is important to you or put the rest of your life on hold in your quest for love.  Go on with your career, your friendships, your hobbies and activities or you may come to resent your search for your soul mate.
6. Be careful to avoid the dating binge-purge cycle where you first starve yourself of going out and then you go into a mad frenzy and go out so much that you burn out and lose interest all together.  Try to keep a balance in your work – looking for love life.

No more excuses now.  Even if it feels a bit daunting do as one of my favorite writers suggests “Just lean into it” (Jack Canfield)

“Oftentimes, success happens when you just lean into it – when you make yourself open to opportunities and are willing to do what it takes to pursue it further -without a contract, without a promise of success, without any expectation whatsover.  You just start.  You lean into it.  You see what it feels like. And you find out if you want  to keep going – instead of sitting on the sidelines deliberating, refelcting and contemplating”

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