The A-Z Guide For Successful Singles – “T” is for Trust

It’s ironic to be writing an article on trust – when yet again another celebrity – Sandra Bullock – has hit the headlines with allegations that her husband has had an affair.

Yet trust – whether you’re talking about being faithful, keeping your promises and agreements –  is an absolute essential between partners.  It’s the bedrock of any happy fulfilling relationship.  Without trust – you don’t have a relationship.

When Trust Is About Them

Trust is something that you earn – it’s not a given.  You know if your partner can be trustworthy because they will have demonstrated that they are trustworthy.  Likewise, they will come to know they can trust you because you show them that you are trustworthy.

There are lots of reasons to doubt whether someone is trustworthy:

• Maybe they have a track record of being untrustworthy
• Maybe they didn’t tell the truth about some things which you later found out about
• Maybe what they say and what they do just don’t match up

If you are with someone who has demonstrated that they are not trustworthy – you will never be happy.  Be clear about what trust means to you and how you can recognise whether your partner is trustworthy or not.

When Trust Is About You

Maybe the problem isn’t that your partner is untrustworthy.  Maybe you were with a compulsive liar before or a person who had an affair and so you struggle with trusting your new partner.

The problem is – if you aren’t able to trust your partner – you don’t have a happy, secure relationship – and you won’t have one until you can learn to trust again.

You really need to be honest with yourself about where the trust problem is coming from.  I’ve seen people throw away potentially great relationships because they have never sorted their own trust issues out.

Your new partner is not the same person as the one who cheated and lied to you in the past and it’s not  fair to your new partner to make them pay for someone else’s mistakes and bad behaviour.

You need to sort out your trust issues before you get into a new relationship – or it just won’t work.

The Dating “Game”

I have to say something about dating and “game-playing.”  If you want to have a relationship built on trust then you need to be trustworthy from the start and that means no game playing.  Game playing is a form of manipulation and control.  When you play ‘games’ with someone you are not being straight with them – you are not being honest.  And if you aren’t honest you can’t be trusted.

I remember I was going to meet someone at a dinner dance which meant I would have to stay in a hotel.  He called me and offered to rent a room with twin beds – and assured me, we would sleep in separate beds.  I told him I wasn’t happy with the plan and would arrange my own accommodation.  He then said that he was “just testing me.”

Well, I can tell you – I was not happy at hearing that.  “If he is manipulating and playing  games with me now,” I thought, “then there was a strong likelihood that this would characterise the relationship”. So I declined the invite all together.

You don’t ‘play games’ with or manipulate people you want to have a relationship with.  Just as you want them to be honest with you,  you have to be honest with them.  Just let them know how you honestly feel and what you honestly want, need or hope for.  This is where the “do unto others, as you would have them do unto you” rule comes in.

It’s unfortunate but so much of the dating advice is about “game-playing.”  I get articles in my email box everyday with titles like “How to seduce….”  “How to conquer”  “How to get your partner to…..”  The advice is about how to manipulate and control so you can get what you want from the other person.  But it’s not honest. It’s not real. And it will backfire at some point.

With that kind of advice – is it really any wonder that the whole dating scene is in such a mess, leaving many singles fed-up with and cynical about love and relationships?

If you want a relationship built on a solid foundation of trust – be the kind of person you want your partner to me.  Don’t play games – be who you are and allow them to be who they are.  As Mahatma Gandi said:

“Be The Change You Want To See In The World”