The A – Z Guide for Successful Singles – “U” is for Understanding

How often have you heard someone complain or you have caught yourself complaining “you’re not listening.”  What you often mean is that the person you are speaking to doesn’t understand what you are saying.  And how frustrating is that!

You know how it is in the early days of a relationship.  Everything about your partner is so wonderful – you spend time marvelling at how similar you and your new partner are – you are convinced that you are a match made in heaven.

Then something happens.  After a period of time, you start realising the many ways you are different. Two things happen here.  Firstly you become more focused on the differences – they become more magnified.  And secondly you start telling yourself stories about what the differences mean – and it’s usually not good news.

Too often this is when ‘ego’ gets in the way and you start telling yourself that these differences are about ‘good’ or ‘bad’, ‘right’ or ‘wrong’.   So rather than listening and understanding your partner you go into ‘ego’ protection mode.  You defend your way of viewing things – and they do the same.  You try to change your partner’s way of viewing things- and they do the same.  You become closed to understanding your partner – as they do to you.  And then you both go into complaining mode.

One problem with complaining that your partner ‘doesn’t get it’ or that they ‘aren’t listening’ is that it absolves you, the communicator, of taking any responsibility for the lack of or misunderstanding.

The other problem is that it also gives your partner, the listener, an excuse because they have now been defined as someone who ‘does not listen.’ So you both become victims and therefore helpless to do anything about the misunderstanding.

The problem with complaining is that it serves to perpetuate the belief that you are helpless victims and keeps you both from attempting to make things better.  You both have ‘missed’ the ‘understanding.’

To understand and be understood in a relationship will only happen if both parties take responsibility.   When you both take responsibility you acknowledge that you both are part of creating that relationship and the communications within that relationship.  Neither of you are victims – you are co-creators.

As co-creators you each attempt to understand your part in the situation and by doing so, you both become part of the solution.  Remember this – if you aren’t part of the solution, you are definitely part of the problem.

There are three choices – you win, your partner wins or the relationship wins…..