In The News: The Heartache Of An Affair

The story of  Ashley Cole’s infidelity is everywhere in the news these days. When you see Cheryl Cole flashing her big beautiful smile across your television screens for the Loreal advertisement saying the firm’s catchphrase: “Because you’re worth it,” you just can’t help feeling sorry for her.

Cheryl Cole announced she was separating from the Chelsea footballer last week after allegations that her husband had been unfaithful – yet again.  It’s been reported that two years ago he’d had a drunken fling with a hairdresser and now in this recent episode he is alleged to have had a fling with three other women and also to have been sent a stream of sex texts by another woman.

Unlike Tiger Woods who, verbally at least, has accepted responsibility for his actions and has apologised for what he has done and for the impact his behaviours has had on those around him, Ashley according to reports is refusing to take any responsibility for his actions.

Instead, it is alleged that he launched a stream of verbal abuse at photographers blaming them for ‘ruining his life.’ One radio presenter discussing this issue said that Ashley blamed Cheryl’s hectic work schedule for the affair – though where he got that from, I’m not sure.   One thing that is for sure is that not taking any responsibility or showing remorse certainly isn’t getting Ashley any sympathy votes.

There are two big questions you can’t help asking every time you hear of such stories. Firstly, why did he have the affair and secondly why doesn’t she dump him?

The answers to both of these questions are multi-faceted and different for each couple and individual.  What the answers will involve however, include low self-esteem, ego, unconscious programming, residue from past experiences, lack of responsibility, limiting beliefs, boredom and dissatisfaction in a current relationship but the bottom line is that the affair is a symptom and not the problem.

The affair is a signal that something isn’t right.  It could be an issue for one person in the relationship or for the relationship as a whole. And as long as those issues don’t get addressed the relationship will be at risk.  It’s just unfortunate that most people only seek help when the damage has been done rather than when they notice that something is wrong.

It takes two to recover from an affair.  It’s easy for the ‘wronged’ party to gloat in self righteousness but a relationship is a dynamic dance between two people and as such both will need to work on creating a new dance – both will have to be committed to change.

You cannot control or change other people – you can only choose how you respond to what is done to you.  People will treat you as you allow them to. Loving the person does not mean accepting their behaviour.

At the end of the day – no matter how much you might love someone – if they continue to hurt you – you do need to walk away – “because you’re worth it.”