‘Late Dating’ and Love For The Over 50′s

I enjoyed this article in the Times by Michael Odell, which is an interview / advice piece with former Shakespears Sister star, Siobhan Fahey.

Now in her 51^st year (though she infuriatingly doesn’t look a day over 30!), she speaks candidly about her relationships in this latest stage of her life.

If you can get past the slightly surly rock n’ roll persona she puts across, there are a few nuggets of advice within!

The first thing that stood out for me and may have surprised her readers was her assertion that, when ones’ parents pass away, we’re offered a new beginning. Once we have been through the grieving process and reconciled ourselves with the sad truth that our parents won’t return, we’re essentially reborn as independent individuals because we are no longer living in their shadow.

Taking this thought a bit further, it occurred to me that we tend to break life down into prescribed phases without really thinking through how life really is. We get bogged down with the clichés: adult at 18, key to the door at 21, young professional from 30 to 40 then middle aged beyond and elderly after that. But really, life is full of so many stages and each have their own opportunities.

The arrival of a supposedly significant birthdays are really essentially just a mark of time. As Fahey points out, it is events that shape a new dawn – not a time measurement. Births, deaths, marriages and divorce are what really mark our lives, and I take Fahey’s point that we can choose to use these colossal personal events as opportunities for change.

What I really love about the piece is her sign off. When asked to offer the reader the advice she might pass on to her now-adult sons, she says the following:

“What is my advice to them? I don’t think I’m one to pontificate. I brought a lot of bad experiences from my growing up into my past relationships but I’m old enough to see that now. There should be only one rule: am I growing? If not, then why are you there? That’s not a relationship, it’s a hiding place.”

It’s a wonderfully succinct way of summing up the greatest way to look at any situation in which you might find yourself. If you look at an aspect of your life – friendship, employment, relationship, whatever it might be – and wonder if it’s working out well for you, ask that key question:

‘Am I growing?’

If you find that you’re not, then you’re being repressed in some way – either by yourself or by outside forces. Ask yourself if you’re growing, and if you’re not, find a way to ensure that you do.