The A – Z Guide For Successful Singles – ‘V’ is for Vulnerable

You want to be loved but you’re afraid to open your heart.  You want to find your soul mate but don’t want to get hurt again.  You want to be with someone who is open and honest, yet you are fearful of opening yourself up.  You are frightened of being vulnerable. Do you recognise yourself?

I was reminded of a conversation I had recently with a friend who was complaining about his love life – or rather, lack of it.  He blamed it on the kind of women that were in the city he was currently living in.  He was so fed up that he was in the planning stages of moving to another city.  “Maybe they are bit peculiar in that city,” I thought.

But then we talked about some his past relationships – relationships with women from other cities and other countries even.  We talked about how these relationships hadn’t worked out either.  According to my friend, it was always something about ‘them’ that was the problem in his relationships.

As we spoke more about his last relationship, which was particularly hurtful and involved deceit and dishonesty, he finally at one point blurted out “I just don’t trust women.”

What my friend didn’t realise is that his attitude was getting in his way of his relationships – much more than the imperfections of the women he was meeting.  My friend was fearful of getting hurt again and was protecting himself.  By protecting himself he was getting in his own way.

As Susan Jeffers so succinctly puts it:

“It is my belief that if you are having troubles in your relationships, fear is definitely involved”

The Feel The Fear Guide To Lasting Relationships, p. 24

Opening ourselves and being vulnerable is scary, yet it is the only way to experience a truly emotionally intimate relationship.  You heart can’t be open and shut at the same time.  Love is a two way process – it’s about giving and receiving – the doors have to be open.

I remember having come out of a relationship that had a very protracted and painful ending.  As one does, you go into self-protect mode so as not to get hurt again.  At the same time you want to be in a loving relationship.  I got in a relationship with a man that was absolutely lovely with me – but I was so frightened of getting hurt again that I got in the way of what could have been a great relationship.

I was also just starting some training around that time and after a few weekends on the course, the feedback I got from some of the men was that I was “unapproachable” when they first met me.  So here I was giving off a vibe of “don’t come near me” and then I wondered why they weren’t approaching me.

“We want to avoid pain, yet we compel ourselves to find someone with whom we can be vulnerable”

David Steel Conscious Dating, p. 28

Being vulnerable is probably one of the greatest obstacles getting in our way of finding and meeting that ‘special’ person.  And more often than not, we aren’t even aware of how we are getting in our own way.

It’s no good pointing the finger at all your past partners to explain why your relationships don’t work out or why you can’t seem to find the ‘right’ person for you.  As they say, for every finger pointing at someone else, three are pointing back at you.

If you truly want to find your soul mate – you need to take time out to figure out how you are getting in your own way.  You can’t change others but by changing what goes on with you and inside you, you change your relationships.