The Problem of Baggage In Crucial Conversations

The televised debate between party leaders on ITV tonight is being touted everywhere as a historic event – which it surely is, as there’s never been one before – but it’s obviously not an ideal way to choose your party. Resting your voting decision on a TV appearance is certainly not the best way to take part in choosing how the country is led when there are manifestos to be read and whole party histories to take on board. I’m sure everyone involved would agree with that point.

It does worry me that people might take tonight’s debate to be the platform from which they make their ballot choice.  Allowing so much to rest on what is essentially a conversation, wherein all parties have an agenda, will result in a skewed perception of what each participant stands for.  and, naturally as a result, a less representative vote.

And it’s not just political debate where this kind of miscommunication happens. Whenever important issues are debated, particularly between partners, what is actually said is only ever half the story. So much else remains beneath the surface – from the hurt that can be doled out all the way to the unspoken motives of either party.

It’s a natural response to be wary when somebody feeds you the ‘we need to talk’ line. Our natural inclination is to perceive it more as ‘you need to listen and respond to something I have to say to you’. From our perspective the person instigating the discussion isn’t immediately seen to be intending on a fair and balanced discussion. After all, if they need so desperately to be heard, then they must have something to say in the first place.

It’s this kind of fear of a pre-meditated verbal attack or complete suspicion of a partner’s movements that can create communication problems in relationships. When having the kind of intense discussion that is so weighted with meaning, so crucial to our future, we might find ourselves, like the electorate tonight, focusing on the wrong thing.

The temptation will be to over-focus on a person’s past record and from this vantage point, we bring all kinds of assumptions to the discussion before our partner has even opened their mouth – this is when baggage gets in the way of listening.

The best way to avoid bringing baggage into the discussion,  whether you’re choosing to vote or deciding whether to take back a partner is to debate with yourself first and decide what you genuinely think about the whole, bigger picture as it is now. And then from there, when actually entering the discussion, an open mind is crucial.

If you can manage to engage those two strategies, only then are you really ready to listen.