So if your dating life sucks – it’s time to look in the mirror, be honest with yourself and figure out how YOU are getting in Your Own Way. It’s the most empowering way to take control and change your dating life. You need to be seriously and honestly asking yourself:

• Am I too ‘needy’ or ‘desperate’?

 • Do I have ‘baggage’ that’s getting in the way?

• Is fear holding me back?

• Am I stuck in ‘comfort zones’?

• Do I sabotage my dating life?

• Do I hold some beliefs about dating that are getting in my way?

• Am I still attached to past relationships?

“Life is about turning the things you really want to do into the things you’ve done”

Smart Start

If you aren’t taking action to dig deep and address those questions nothing will change for you. All the complaining and excuse-making in the world won’t make a difference. Honestly, how much longer are you willing to stay where you are at? If you are serious about changing your dating and love life – if you are serious about finding the love of your life you need to take action.

I know there is a lot about The Law of Attraction – but do notice the action in The Law of Attraction. If you aren’t doing something to change your circumstances then it’s a pretty sure bet that something else is getting in the way.

And if you have changed the way you are doing things but you are still getting the same crappy results, you can be sure that there is something going on at a deeper, more subconscious level. Unless you address it, you will continue to get your crappy results. So what can you do?

 • Read self-development and relationship books – and do the exercises

• Join a group or forum of like-minded people and get involved

• Find a coach or mentor – the most successful people do this

• Do an online relationship course

• Talk to couples who have the kind of relationship you would like

 If your dating and love life suck and you really want something different, I’d like to challenge you to do something now. You deserve to be happy and you can be happy too. Isn’t it time that you invest in yourself, your happiness and your future ideal relationship?

 “The future is sending back good wishes and waiting with open arms”

Kobi Yamada

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Just like any road, there are corners, detours, and crossroads in life. Perhaps the most perplexing road that you would encounter is a crossroad. With four roads to choose from and with limited knowledge on where they would go, which road will you take? What is the guarantee that we would choose the right one along the way? Would you take any road, or just stay where you are: in front of a crossroad?

There Are No Guarantees.

You do not really know where a road will lead you until you take it. There are no guarantees. This is one of the most important things you need to realize about life. Nobody said that choosing to do the right thing all the time would always lead you to happiness. Loving someone with all your heart does not guarantee that it would be returned. Gaining fame and fortune does not guarantee happiness.

  The only thing you have power over is the decisions that you will make, and how you would act and react to different situations.

It’s Not About ‘Right’ or ‘Wrong’

It’s easy to look back and decide you made a ‘wrong’ decision.  But as I always tell my clients, we all have 20/20 vision with hindsight. 

It is only after you have made a decision and experienced the consequences of it, do you realise whether it was the ‘right’ decision.  But rather than thinking of a decision as having been ‘right’ or ‘wrong’, I prefer to think of a decision as having ‘worked’ or ‘not worked’ for me.  It then becomes useful feedback on which I can base my next decision.  It becomes a trial and error process.  And I keep making decisions until I get to my destination.

If a choice takes you away from your destination,  do what the GPS in your car does – recalculate, get back on track and keep moving.

Take The Risk: Decide.

Since life offers no guarantee and you can’t ultimatlely know whether your decision will work for you or not, you might as well take the risk and decide. Movement is definitely better than staying stuck.

Although it is true that one wrong turn could get you lost, it might also be that such a turn becomes  an opportunity for an adventure or new possibility.

You have the choice of being a lost traveller or an accidental tourist of life – or of being a conscious traveller by making more conscious choices and decisions.

• Know where you are
• Know your destination
• Start by choosing which way to go
• Adjust your course based on your feedback
• Keep repeating the process until you hit your destination

By embracing this process you are chosing to live your life consciously instead of remaining a bystander or a passive audience to your own life story.

And whatever the outcome to any choice or decision you make, learn from it.  Learn what works and what doesn’t work for you at any given moment in time.

If you do make decisions which don’t work out for you (which you will), at least don’t make the same ones in the future – make new ones. Remember you always have the chance to make better decisions in the future.

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“those behaviors that enhance the emotional well-being, sense of self,

and autonomy of both parties”.

Anyone who claims to love another will behave in certain ways—and if they don’t then they are not really in love. When you’re getting the talk but not getting the behaviors to go with it, take it is a definite red flag. 

The problem is that people mistake so many things for love.  Controlling your partners every movement isn’t about love.  Dismissing your partner’s views and opinions isn’t love.  Having to win every disagreement isn’t love. Negatively judging rather than appreciating how your partner is different isn’t love.  Manipulating your partner by making them feel guilty so they do what you want them to do isn’t love.  Refusing to try and see your partner’s point of view isn’t love. Trying to change your partner isn’t love. Not respecting your partner isn’t love.

Love is not about fixing or changing the other person. It’s not about using the other person for your own sense of identity or personal security.  It’s not about using the other person to bolster your sense of self esteem or make you feel worthwhile.

True love is about appreciating and respecting the true nature of the other person and supporting his or her personal freedom and growth.  It’s about each of you being the best you can be and supporting the other to be the best they can be.  Anything else is ego.

Which brings me to the subject of chemistry. Chemistry, has almost nothing to do with love. The chemistry that you feel with someone is more likely than not, the wounded part of yourself connecting to the other wounded part of the other person.  It’s why the ‘victim’ ends up with ‘abuser’ or the ‘taker’ ends up with ‘giver’.  The ego’s attraction works with those parts of you that feel the need to be loved, needed, or looked after, not the part of you that feels confident, whole and complete. 

Real love doesn’t feel like a desperate frenzied, addictive connection, but rather a warm, calm, peaceful connection. There is definitely connection and attraction but it feels quite different than what you have experienced before. The fear of losing them or losing yourself in them is gone.

People enter therapy because of their conflicts over love. What they don’t realize, often, is that they are without the capability of truly loving another because they haven’t yet worked out their own identity issues. They’re looking for someone to “complete” them and make them feel whole. That is not the foundation of real love.

Ideally you will have those things in place before you go off and “fall” for someone. 

Your relationships are a reflection of you. When you look in your mirror and see the kinds of relationships you are attracting – what does the mirror tell you about the work you need to be doing for yourself?  What are the unmet needs, the unhealed wounds and hurts you may be unaware that you are still carrying?

If you keep attracting unavailable partners – is there a part of you that is unavailable?  If you keep attracting partners who aren’t emotionally intimate – is there a part of you that can’t be emotionally intimate?  If you keep attracting partners who can’t openly and honestly communicate feelings – is there a part of you that holds back from open honest communication?

In attracting someone who represents your unhealthy, unhealed and wounded parts, you ensure yourself of a relationship that won’t work.

If you recognise yourself and past relationships that started out with amazing chemistry but then ended up badly and want to change this pattern then:

1. Accept that whatever relationship you have been in – you have attracted into your life
2. Allow yourself to accept that you can allow these past relationships –  no matter how turbulent or painful they may have been – can teach you important lessons about yourself in your desire to become the best of who you can be.
3. Continue to develop self acceptance and self love.  Work on becoming the kind of person you want to attract.

 And finally, move out of your comfort zone and date people that may not seem your type on the surface – and give someone a chance to love you.

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And isn’t being in a loving, happy, fulfilling relationship at the top of that happiness list for you?  No matter how much money you have, how many possessions you own, how much you travel the world, how successful you  – deep down inside you know that the ultimate happiness for you would be to share all that with someone special.

Yet, there’s a worrying theme that is coming through in the conversations I’m having with people.  What I’m realising is that people are finding it hard to reach out for help when it comes to the most important thing in their life – their relationship happiness, because of what they believe it says about themselves.

                “It’s admitting that I’m a loser”

                “It means that something is wrong with me”

                “It’s like saying I’m useless”

So while people don’t mind reaching out to learn how to become wealthier or healthier, they feel that they can’t admit that they need help with their relationships because, for them, it’s like admitting that there is something seriously wrong with them.  But – and I want to shout this out at the top of my lungs – it’s not about YOU!

It’s Not Your Fault!!

My heart is breaking as I hear what people have been telling me about why they don’t reach out for help.  The belief that reaching out for help about your relationships means something is wrong with you is what will keep you stuck.  It means that you will continue to endure bad relationships, ‘better than nothing’ relationships, or no relationships at all.  The utter sad thing is that it doesn’t need to be that way. 

You see, the truth is, it’s not your fault that you keep getting into the same kinds of relationships.  It’s not your fault that your relationships keeping ending up in a similar pattern.  It’s not your fault that you keep attracting the wrong kind of person into your life.

Reaching out for help about your relationships isn’t about WHO you are.  It’s about understanding what’s getting in your way – the blocks, the hurdles, the mis-information and most of all the unconscious ‘stuff’ that is in your programming – and that you have no idea of!  And I mean how can you change what you aren’t aware of? 

You are not broken, useless or a loser.  You are being driven by forces you can’t see. …   Once you discover what’s getting in your way you will know what to do and you will transform your relationship history.

Your first step is to decide that you want to do something NOW to change your relationship story and you’ve got to commit to that goal – without excuses.

It’s easy to think of ‘reasons’ for not deciding and committing to changing what’s been happening with your relationships.   It’s easy to think of the risks, the costs and the challenges of that process.  It’s easy to convince yourself that you don’t need a relationship.  But, if I may be blunt – these are really all excuses and excuses just keep you where you are.

I know from my own experiences.  In that very moment you decide, and commit to a course of action  something in your brain changes.  The risks becaome challenges, the costs become an investment and the challenges become a vehicle of growth. 

The changes I have experienced with my coaches and mentors have happened more quickly and powerfully than I would ever have imagined.  My life is what it is today because of the choices I have made to invest in myself.

So while your lack of success isn’t about you – you can’t change what you don’t know -  your relationship success will be because of you and the investment you make in yourself.

That’s all that really differentiates where we all end up in life –it’s down to the choices we make.  Are your choices taking you closer to what you really want? Or are you allowing your excuses to keep you stuck?

A Special Offer For You

Until now I have been offering FREE Strategy Sessions ($497 value!) to my loyal subscribers of my newsletter. From the conversations I’ve had with them I came to realise what a huge issue there was around the idea of relationship coaching and why it’s so hard for people to reach out.

I realise and appreciate so much more now about how much courage it has taken some people to contact me to request a free strategy sessions, which I’ve been offering as part of the pre-launch to my Get Fit For Love Coaching in September, and I want to acknowledge that.

And I also now want to open up this offer to the faithful readers of my blog. If your intuition, your gut or any part of your being is nudging you because your are seriously ready to step up and do something to change your relationship story then please do contact me for a one hour FRE Strategy Session ($497 value) with me.

Email me:  Susanne@TheSinglesGym.com and just write Strategy Session in the subject line. I’ll get in touch with you and we’ll set up a time to speak. 

 This coaching is only running once this year.  Just think of it, your love life could be totally transformed in time for Christmas and the New Year. 

 Or you could still be where you are now. What do you choose?

Remember your past is absolutely no predictor of your future happiness.  You can take charge of your relationship happiness – but you have to decide that you want to do that and take action.  It’s about investing in you and your ultimate happiness.

Wishing you happiness in life and love,

Susanne

“Changing the world – one relationship at a time”

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Amazing reading on the Independent’s website relating to the way depression can affect us on a fundamental level, rendering the world a less colourful place, contributing to the effects of the illness.

Scientists say that the onset of depression can act rather like a remote control, turning the contrast dial on the world, via the retina, making the experience of life for sufferers less vibrant, less vivid and more foreboding. It’s a very visceral way of thinking about the illness, which affects millions of people and is far more common than many people realise. In my capacity as a psychologist, I see it so regularly and it really is an issue close to my heart.

It would be trite and inappropriate to offer advice to those who are clinically depressed here, as the condition needs the right treatment. All I would say is that, if you know somebody who appears to be suffering or if you yourself feel you are slipping, then there are things you can do to avoid this crippling state of mind.

If you know someone who is suffering from depression, offer help and reassurance, and make it clear that there is medical help available to anybody you know in this situation.

If you yourself are experiencing any kind of despair, short of depression but equally upsetting, (perhaps you’re reading this following a break up and are at a loss as to what to do) then it is possible to pull yourself from the mire of bad feeling.

When afflicted with sadness, our best bet is to reach out to sympathetic friends and family, or, if we feel it is more serious, a medical professional.  The worst thing is to withdraw – which is what so many people who suffer with depression do.  All the research and my own clinical experience suggest that those less likely to suffer depression – are those with a good perceived social network.

Friends and family are so easily taken for granted when the going is good, but when we suffer a setback, we start to see the value in our ever-present support network. Even if they can’t be there in person, the telephone, messages and skype-type communication systems we have these days can ensure we need not be alone.  With all the social media and modern ways of communicating, it’s never been easier to reach out to each other.

It’s the company of a positive influence that can really kickstart recovery. A friend or family member can empathise with us and, knowing us as well as they do, may be able to help and guide us in deciding what the best course of action is.

The amazing thing that happens, when we muster up the courage to reach out and admit things aren’t all rosy –  is that you suddenly discover that so many of your friends, family, colleagues and acquaintances, you thought were completely ‘sorted’ and ‘together’ have also struggled with something.  Sometimes it’s the first time many connect with each other on a ‘real’ level.  Your reaching out often gives others permission to be ‘real.’

And don’t we need that in this world where life seems to be all about projecting perfection, success and often feeling we have to pretend to be someone we are not?

Reach Out and Be Real – and see what happens.

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Daniel Radcliffe has already chosen his post Harry Potter script and is set to star in a new realisation of the well-known and much-loved ghost story, The Woman In Black.

But first Harry Potter mania is set to take over all over again as Radcliffe is set to film the seventh and final part of the series in October, whilst he and his co-stars have already finished filming the sixth – Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows, which is released this in 2011.

Radcliffe has grown up in the public spotlight, having starred in the first Harry Potter movie when he was only 12. To watch a young actor progress is always very interesting, and by and large Radcliffe has been a model example, with very little in the way of controversy or bad blood blanching his past.

As the final chapter of the Harry Potter franchise looms, it’s probably a period that Radcliffe is spending taking stock of his career options, weighing up what direction his life should take and ways in which he can use his time working on his Harry Potter work to reinvent himself, or best optimise his prospects.

And just as he does that, we can look at ourselves and take stock of our own lives. We may be at a point where a relationship has ended, and a whole spectrum of opportunity has suddenly opened up to us.

A useful rule of thumb is to engage your head, heart and gut in this process.  When there is conflict – you may need to rethink your direction. When head, heart and gut are aligned you are probably on the right track.

Just as a film star moving onto a new career path needs to evaluate future choices, the newly dating can also make informed decisions on where they want to head to next.

We can do this by looking at three elements of our lives. Firstly, our past relationships are our evidence of happy and unhappy times. We can examine them (without getting too emotional to be clear about our needs) to see what went wrong, what we can do about our own behaviours and what we looked for in our partner that perhaps wasn’t right for us.

We can look at what we want to do differently. We can shape our own future by only taking choices that will best benefit, and will banish the possibility of us making the same mistakes again.

Finally, we can think about what we have learned about ourselves, and how we can put these discoveries to use. We may have been extremely patient with a demanding partner, or we may have found ourselves able to steer an unhappy ex back into good humour. These are invaluable skills, and knowing that you have them in your locker is great for self-confidence.

Whatever choices you make – make sure your choice moves you closer towards your own happiness.

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I’ve just been reading about the safety concerns of parents whose kids are talking freely to complete strangers on Facebook.

Their worries are certainly founded in truth, as recently there has been a spate of criminal activity in which fake profiles have been set up for nefarious means, with grown men wanting to contact children for their own illegal and repulsive means. Facebook’s reaction will apparently be to install the required danger button for worried kids to click in case of a strange encounter, but they’re begging for users not to refer to it by the name ‘panic button’ – presumably feeling that it’s very marketing unfriendly and implies that Facebook offers its users reasons to be frightened.

The online environment can be dangerous – we’re all aware of that – but even as adults, we have to be careful. In a lot of cases, no amount of wisdom can prevent a determined predator from giving us trouble, but there are ways to spot daters who aren’t entirely what they seem.

The key to dating successfully is to use your intuition when listening to people’s answers when you ask them about their lives. But equally, to use your common sense when gauging whether or not they’re giving out a true picture of themselves.

It’s a difficult balance, admittedly. It’s easy to be persuaded by a person with an apparently excellent job when you have no reason to believe they haven’t got the dream career they describe. It’s also very easy for some people to distort the truth of their family situations, whether they’re still actually attached to an ex-partner or what their relationship is like with their children. But there are steps you can take to ensure your own safety.

Always conduct your first meeting in a public place – or even your first few meetings. Sometimes it may take a series of rendezvous for you to work out if you entirely trust someone. If your date-partner has a problem with this, then you should question why, as it’s a practical and wise move to ensure your own safety.

After a date, even if buzzing with infatuation, it’s a shrewd move to go over again all their answers to your questions and the details of the conversation. Occasionally, despite the wine and the smiles, something they said may have lodged in your head as being peculiar.

Don’t brush these things aside, as your wisdom is trying to tell you something. Discuss it with trusted friends and family and see what they make of it.

Having said all that, it’s one thing being pragmatic and quite another to be paranoid.  Don’t rule out trying something again just because you had a bad experience.  So many people vow never to date again or do online dating because of a bad  experience.  To me, that’s a bit like a toddler saying – “well that’s it, I’ve fallen down, so I’m never going to try to walk again.”  I mean, jeepers, where would be all be if we thought like that?

So, do make sure that you have your common sense intact and your natural scepticism switched on before any date you go out on – just as a safety precaution – that bit is in your control.

But most importantly, don’t come from a needy position, think about what you are projecting and what type of person that is attracting, listen to your ‘gut’ or intuition and then decide that  you will  have a great time!

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The obesity debate is back in the news, as scientists continue to argue about what’s causing our children to become overweight.

Recent studies are apparently showing that it’s over-eating that’s causing the bulk of the problem, rather than lack of mobility and general absence of an exercise regime. It seems our children, and many adults, are simply over-indulging on foods that they are aware are lacking in nutrition.

There’s a culture of endless overindulgence going on at the moment, and the result of that is becoming more and more obvious as an entire generation hits adolescence struggling with their weight. It’s not just food that we can over-indulge in. People find all kinds of ways to satisfy cravings, many of which can end up to be just as destructive as obesity is – on both our physical and mental health.

Indulgences come in many forms. – some forms are to avoid or move away from emotional discomfort and pain. In those cases individuals find their emotional crutch to be not only an over-reliance on food but also on alcohol and drugs for example. They use these crutches as a way of avoiding dealing with unwanted negative feelings.

In my work, I also notice that people can also over-indulge on certain emotions and sensations in order to move towards or create constant positive ‘emotional highs’. This could be shopping sprees, gambling and sex. And dating and falling in love can also fall into this catagory. And there are hidden dangers in this kind of over-indulgence. That buzz you get in the initial stages of dating can be addictive. That sense of feeling ‘wanted’ and ‘alive’ – in the moments of passion.

In the worst-case scenario there are ‘sex addicts’, who we very recently have seen a lot of in the media. Halle Berry’s ex husband, for example, was a high profile example of a male celebrity who it was discovered was having sex with multiple partners out of some internal compulsion. Tiger Woods is another one who is constantly in the headlines.

Just as a compulsion to overeat is contributing to obesity, the compulsion to overindulge in activities to try and move us away from pain or towards pleasure can be equally destructive. The many recent celebrity divorces are a testimony to that. But it needn’t be this blatant.

We are all, especially those of us actively dating at the moment, in danger of falling in love for the pleasure of falling in love. And because of this, if we’re not careful, we are also in danger of falling in love with the wrong person – sometimes someone that may be completely unsuitable.

It’s important to be honest with yourself for your reason for dating. Is it an ego booster? Is it to keep you on a perpetual high? Or is it really to find that someone special to settle down with? Like everything – moderation is the best policy. And also – don’t forget to take some time out to be with yourself!

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How amusing to read that, post England’s embarrassing World Cup 2010 exit, men are flocking to sign up to dating services to occupy themselves.

And even more amusing to see from the same set of surveys that, despite England’s defeat to Germany, the women of England continue to watch the football! I know it’s only a survey, but is it possible we can read something into this information? Well – even if it’s not very scientific – we can only try!

So, if we were to think about this (and possibly take a few liberties whilst we’re about it!) it seems disenchanted men, filled with hope and occupied by the game to the point of distraction in the hype-filled run up, suddenly lose sight of the entire tournament and look to take their attentions to their love lives. And all the while, single ladies continue to watch the remaining games, perhaps entranced by the hunky Spanish forward David Villa or keeping an eye on how Robin Van Persie of Holland gets on.

I guess there’s still something to watch for the girls!

But if you spend some time thinking about the tactic of men who, when faced with the defeat of the national side, suddenly flock to dating sites – then you may start to worry about their state of mind! It’s as though a potential partner is suddenly sought as some kind of compensation for their outright footballing disappointment.

Even if we were to be kind, we might assume that they are merely going through their priorities in terms of their perceived importance. England are out of the World Cup? Ah well – time to turn the attention to the love life and start dating then…

I’d suggest that this is a total misplacing of priorities. It’s not too much to expect that a man might prioritise his love life, the quality and reward it offers, far higher than a sporting competition which, at best, offers the fleeting and only vaguely satisfying thrill of an occasional win.

I’m with the girls on this one. If that’s how the whole thing works, I’ll be watching the football all the way to the final, mainly so I can avoid all the guys on dating sites who are only there to cheer themselves up after being let down by Gerrard, Lampard and all the other England flops!

But who to support?!

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In the news currently, the world of science is fighting with the homeopathic remedy branch of healthcare, and many are outraged that such a treatment is available on the NHS. Their argument is that such treatments are purely placebo-based, and any effects are down to this placebo effect.

The placebo effect happens when, regardless of the treatment offered – the ‘real medication’ or the sugar tablet – your belief that you are being healed has a positive effect, to the point that really noticeable changes occur in your chemistry.

Think of phantom pregnancies, where a non-pregnant woman’s abdomen begins to swell and she gets morning sickness, despite having no real reason for this beyond the psychological.

The placebo effect is in my view, a really fascinating part of human nature. We can will something to the point it actually comes true.  It’s as if the brain is very obedient to what we tell it to do – which is why ‘mental rehearsal’ or ‘visualisation’ is so powerful and is used by successful people in all disciplines.

The placebo effect can hit dating singles too – particularly those who have been out of the singles scene for a while and those who have been single longer than they care to admit – and are desperate to find love.

As we’ve said so many times before, the brain is an expert at manufacturing belief, if you will or want something badly enough – you start believing it’s happening.  Take that on to the dating scene and combine that with a dash of hormones and a bit of serotonin, and you can be on an absolute high and be convinced you are in love.

Because these chemical effects are so powerful and you so badly want to be in a relationship, or exit a bad relationship or be in love, it is easy to mistake infatuation for love – you fall in lust.

We love to be loved, we want to be loved and it feels good to be loved. And when the brain sends you signals that love is on the way, you are happy to believe that love has really arrived – even despite your common sense or intuition which may be telling you something different.

You become drunk on the idea of love, and ignore that nagging voice and you ignore the red flags.  You hit denial, and then make mistakes you come to regret later on.  It’s so important to keep your mind sharp and your wits about you when dating. There are people who can exploit you at your weak and needy moments.

The powerful dater is the one who is able to take a step back from ‘need’ and the chemical effects and look at their experience more objectively. I know it doesn’t sound romantic – and it sounds a bit clinical but if you want love to last you need to be with someone who is right for you and for whom you are right for.

That’s not to say you should take a clipboard and lab-coat with you on every date. With experience, this kind of evaluation will become a natural thought process for you. All it takes is practice. So… get out there, get dating – and don’t forget to have fun too!

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