It’s reassuring that such an enormous outcry followed the news that Sarah Burge has been condoning – and in fact encouraging – her fifteen year old daughter to use Botox – the facial treatment that irons out all the kinds of wrinkles that come with life experience.

It’s pleasing that this episode baffled and enraged most of the people who commented on it, because it acts as further proof that there’s still some sanity out there, though the media might sometimes have us think otherwise.

In light of the paper that was released last week on The Sexualisation of Young People, this episode seems to take the concept to the absolute extreme and resulted in a lot of head-shaking from the public at large. ‘How could a mother foist her own insecurities on a child?’ was the general outcry -  ‘and what’s more, is this even legal?’

It just adds further concern over the way our kids are going and blurs the boundaries of what is right and what is wrong in the treatment of our intelligent, information-aware children. It makes the universe seem somehow broken and much, much darker.

In reality, I’m sure this isn’t the way things are. Sure, there’s lots more information out there – but we also have a generation on our hands who are actually capable of processing it where, in the past, we might not have been so high-functioning.

We tend to take all of the texting, MSN messenging and Youtube uploading as signs that our kids have short attention spans, but perhaps they prove the opposite? We might be better placed to take it as a sign that they are more turned on to the world around them than we might have been, back in our day… and maybe that their dating habits are also as advanced.

We hear about teenage pregnancies all the time as the media tries to portray children as shambolic and unprepared, but the picture is distorted. The fact is, they are probably far further forward in their interactions than we ever were. It’s possible that manners have declined, but for manners we had to balance a complete lack of knowledge on how dating worked, and as a result we probably developed bad habits along the way that followed into adulthood.

It’s important to take stock of what mistakes you might be making if you’ve had a series of bad dates. Remember, we all have them – and often we have a couple or a few in a row. Those who pull themselves out of these slumps do so by taking an objective view of how they carried themselves and what attitude they put across – but doing so without dwelling on the negatives. It’s the only way to crack those bad habits and to take charge of your dating success!

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Sunday the 14^th of March will merrily chime in another Mother’s Day and across the UK cards, gifts and greetings will be dispatched, celebrating the wonder and unconditional love of motherhood.

But who’s to say that Mother’s Day can’t be a time for romantic love too?

Being a single mother, or indeed a single parent, can make dating seem a complicated and awkward process, especially in the aftermath of a painful divorce.

So here are a few tips to boost your confidence and get you back on the dating scene before Mother’s Day…

1) Find time to pamper yourself…

With a demanding job and young children to juggle, time spent by yourself can become increasingly difficult to salvage. You may be neglecting your appearance, to the point where the only time you seem to see your reflection is in the glass of shop windows. Creating this ‘me’ time by hiring a babysitter or sending the kids to your sister’s for a whole Saturday is the first step towards seeing yourself in a new, ‘datable’ light. Having those free hours to lie idly in the bath, booking an appointment at your local beautician or get that confidence-boosting haircut will wipe away those stress-filled cobwebs and send heads turning in your direction wherever you go.

2) Look everywhere for opportunities…

As well as clearing time for yourself, why not make room for new social activities -, a dance class for example, - which will throw you into the path of possible partners? Be on the look out for opportunities to meet new people with an open and inquisitive attitude. Even when you’re food shopping or picking up your kids from school keep your eyes open – there are single parents out there too! Accept all social invitations, try online dating, go out with your friends; overall, be proactive.

3) Be honest…

Once you’ve met someone new, it is important that they are told immediately that you have children. But also, don’t phrase it so they think you are looking for a replacement father or anything. Just tell them the truth about how you feel about dating and what your situation is. If they see the children as a negative factor, then they’re not worth your time.

4) Be sensitive to your children…

Being honest with your children is also important. However, maybe wait until you’re sure about a new match before they’re introduced into the family circle. Hire a babysitter, go out on a few dates and really get to know them before you announce them as ‘your boyfriend.’ This is a big concept for children to take in, especially young ones, so be very sensitive and take things slowly. After they’ve been introduced, try to bring your new partner slowly into your family’s life. Try to avoid parenting roles being adopted by them until you know everyone’s comfortable with it. Tread slowly and carefully.

5) Be yourself…

Although your children are a very important part of your life and an intrinsic part of you, don’t let your partner see only them. Talk about your interests that are not connected to being a mother. Take days out apart from your children doing what you love. Reconstruct that individuality that many mothers may have lost sight of after they’ve had children.

London dating, Manchester dating, Aberdeen dating: wherever you’re dating, follow this advice and being a single mother shouldn’t get in the way!

Happy Mother’s Day!

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A few days ago, out of the blue a coaching client of mine received the most seething, insulting email from a woman threatening her personally and implying she would ‘expose’ my clients integrity if my client went near ‘her’ man.  She didn’t sign her name (and I have my view on people who do that….) but my client knew who this woman was.

In that split second of a moment it took her to read the email, she described feeling as if the wind had been knocked out of her.  She said she was shocked, stunned and described a wave of anger flooding through her whole body.

“I mean how dare this woman, who has never met me, say things like that to me and about me” said my client with exasperation.  As she continued to read the email she described another wave of fury flooding throughout her body.  Reading between the lines, my client realised that this woman had obviously been misinformed and had come  to the conclusion that my client was “coveting” her new man.  This man was an ex partner of my client with whom she had an amicable split awhile ago, but with whom she had been friends with ever since.

Now before you come to the conclusion that you can’t be friends with your ex (another classic belief singles hold) hear me out.  My client is friends with all her ex’s  (minus one) – so it’s not about that – not in this case anyway.

The problem was that my client and her ex had a brief ‘encounter’ which his current partner found out about.  At the time of the ‘encounter’ my client was told by her ex that his relationship with this woman was ending.  Their relationship didn’t end, however, and so from her perspective the ‘liaison’ happened while they were still in a relationship.  The woman was still convinced that my client was‘after’ him and therefore sees her as a continued threat.

No  here’s a question I have in such a situation – why do women blame other women when their men ‘stray’?  The issue seems to be more an issue about their relationship than about the ‘other woman.’   If their relationship was solid there would be no straying.  Isn’t it about time women start putting the responsibility where it belongs – at their partner and at the cracks in their relationship rather than directing it to the ‘other woman’.

If they don’t insist that their men take responsibility at this point, then how do they expect them to ever own any responsibility for the relationship?  But then again it’s easier to blame ‘the other woman’ than to think that there is something wrong with the relationship or to believe that your man  is less than in love with you.  Blaming ‘the other woman’ is a great denial.

I certainly don’t condone women who chase married men or men who are in a relationship.  I have been approached on numerous occasions by married men but have chosen not to go down that road.  It rarely ends ‘happily ever after.’

But back to my client:

My client told me how it took everything in her not to respond to that email.  She so badly wanted to reply to that email with a copy to her ex partner (she had a hunch he wouldn’t have a clue about this email and what a shock he would have had to receive it in his inbox).  She told me she so wanted to respond to each and every point in the most articulately damning way that she could – but then she realised she would be lowering herself to the ‘scorned’ woman’s  level wouldn’t she?

She decided to hold ‘fire’ and she phoned her ex,  leaving him a message to urgently call her back.  She wanted to give him the chance to give an explanation before she decided any further action.

My client finally spoke to her ex and he admitted his lack of dealing with the situation and burying his head in the sand (something he was notorious for doing when they were together apparently) which is what gave rise to this situation.

The issue isn’t completely resolved for my client but there are several lessons in this situation worth thinking about.

1. When someone tells you they are ending a relationship proceed with caution.  They may think their relationship is ending, but might not have communicated that to their partner.  If you get involved, you will be seen to be the one who broke their relationship and even if their relationship survives, you will forever more be seen as the threat.
2. It might be best not to get together with someone who has only recently broken up and who isn’t emotionally finished with their previous relationship.  Until they completely let go of the old relationship they could firstly still choose to go back and secondly they cannot fully commit to the new relationship.
3. If your partner strays – put the responsibility where it belongs.  Threatening the ‘other woman’ (or ‘other man’) not to come near your partner only speaks volumes about your insecurities within your relationship.  It isn’t going to help you work through your insecurities, it won’t help your partner take responsibility and it won’t help you sort through the issues in your relationship creating the insecurities.  This woman has no idea what an explosion she could have created had this email gone to someone else with less maturity and restraint – World War III might have broken out which wouldn’t have been useful to anyone.
4. The other strategy often used is to demand your new partner to cut off ties with their ex’s even though they may have been friends for years. Again, this speaks volumes about the insecurities in the relationship.   If you have to resort to such strategies, you build your relationship on shaky ground and it doesn’t do your self esteem any good knowing he can only be with you if he cuts ties with his ex.   Look, he either wants you or he doesn’t.
5. If you are the one in the relationship and your new partner is demanding that you cut off ties with your ex’s then you should really be questioning this new relationship.  If he or she doesn’t trust you because you have those friendships then what does that say about your new relationship?  Do you really want to be with someone who doesn’t trust you?  They  will always be insecure and paranoid and you will always feel like you are on trial. Those relationships don’t tend to last

No matter how honest or decent you are, you are human and sometimes things still go wrong.  When that happens put your hand up and try to deal with the situation with integrity.  Sometimes things turn out badly even though that was never your intention and sometimes you get the blame when the fault wasn’t yours to begin with.

What counts at the end of the day is not what happens to you but with what you do with what happens.  Keep your integrity and move forward with the new learning – that’s what wisdom is about after all, isn’t it?

What do you think?

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From the moment of your conception your parents unconsciously imposed their dreams and ideals about how you would turn out to be.  Later on your teachers had imposed ideas about who you should be and what direction your life should take.  When you hit your teens, being desperate for acceptance and belonging, you accepted the ideals your peers had about how you should be.

Unfortunately a minority of the population ever get over the teen years – and the need to conform and be accepted over-rides the quest to be oneself.

The media and advertising industry capitalize on this. Every day you are bombarded with messages about who you should be and how you should live your life. From the glitz and glam of the celebrity culture, t o the powerful marketing messages in the consumer market.  It is so easy to get swept into beliefs and ideals about how you should live your life and who you should be.

So you spend your life doing what you are “supposed to do” for success and happiness –  as defined by others.  Even when it comes to dating and choosing who to spend you life with you look to the experts and follow what they say  – and then you can’t figure out why it doesn’t work.  At some point it comes crashing down on you – whether a trauma, a crisis or a mid-life transition brings it on – there comes a point when most people question what the hell their life has really been about.

Ralp Waldo Emmerson’s essay “Self-Reliance” makes an important point about those individuals who live their own lives.  He mentions great names like Socrates, Copernicus and Martin Luther and reminds us that what these great people shared in common was that they were different, they didn’t follow the crowd – they lived their life according to their own beliefs and rules.

“There is only one success . . . to be able to spend your life in your own way”

Christopher Morley

And that is what Self- Reliance is about.  It’s synonymous with self-sufficiency and self-direction.  It’s about autonomy, personal independence and the capacity to rely on one’s own intuition and capabilities rather than rely on other people things or events outside of yourself.  Self Reliance is freedom or in the words of Ralph Waldo Emmerson:  “Man is his own star.”

Self -Reliance means you are capable of dealing with life’s challenges that are thrown at you, taking your guidance from yourself rather than from other people and things.  It’s about having the courage to listen to yourself, rather than letting other people, things or events decide what you should be, do or have.

A Self Reliant person is able to listen to themselves, trust their intuition to achieve success and happiness in their life – as they define it.  They trust themselves to know what’s important to them and to go for it and they take 100% responsibility for their lives.

The opposite of a Self- Reliant person is a dependent person who looks outside themselves and to other people for guidance, rather than listening to themselves.  These people give the control of their lives to other people, things and events.  And when things go wrong –it is the fault of something or someone outside themselves. The problem with this is that the dependent person puts themselves and their lives at the mercy of others.

Now this doesn’t mean that we don’t need others in our life – we do.  But the help a self-reliant person asks from others is the kind of help that makes them better able to care for themself – it’s the opposite of asking to be rescued.

When you ask for help there are two points to keep in mind:

1.  When you do take advice take it from people with lives you like.  Be selective!

• Take advice about relationships from people who are good in relationships
• Take advice about money from people who are good with money
• Take advice about career from people who are good in their career

2.  Make a decision about how you want to live your life rather than look to others to tell you how you should live.  You can copy people you admire or      try to be like them but it won’t work for you.  Why?  Because you are a different person.

If you truly want to be free to achieve the things in life you want.  If you want the freedom to be yourself, if you want to achieve happiness and success in your life as you define it ,why not learn to trust your own inner sense of what is right for YOU.  After all, this is YOUR life.

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Celia Walden’s article this morning in the Telegraph about the book ‘In Praise of Older Women’ (by Stephen Vizinczey) covers the topic of older women who choose to take on ‘toy-boys’ as their partners.

Walden writes about the stigma still attached to women who decide to bridge the age gap and rightly defends a woman’s right to date whoever she pleases.

Reading the article, the term ‘toy-boy’ (which Walden, ironically, uses) sticks out a mile as an old-fashioned and archaic way of referring to a more youthful partner – from a time when people possibly felt they had more right to judge the relationships of others.

Working with single people every day, I know very well that finding the right partner within a similar age group to your own can, for some people, be a close to impossible mission. And often this can be because the seeker expects far too much from their sought-after. Often, a fussy dater will attend a first-meeting with so many ridiculous expectations that they’ve already pretty much edged their date out of the picture, before even sitting down with them.

What I personally encourage is an open mind – and remind people that a date may well have a number of facets to their character that will be out of synch with what they expect of a partner. Equally, they won’t be their date’s idea of perfection. It’s simply the way life works. Yet, despite this, it’s not about lowering expectations – it’s about learning to compromise on what you expect – and that can take work.

If you’ve already decided that you’ll only date within a narrow three-year age range – imagine all the potential dates you’ve ruled out on the basis of an arbitrary figure! Simply by relaxing your views on this, you may well find your perfect match. Of course I’m not encouraging every woman over the age of 40 to suddenly start dating 18 year old boys but on the other hand, should you discredit a person who is a decade or so younger than you simply because of a number?

Ageism is slowly dying out in the real world and for the first time in history, we are living in a time where we can design our lives and relationships in any way we want. If you have reservations based on age, dump the stereotypes, be open minded, take a chance and rule ageism out of your world too – you might be pleasantly surprised! (In the meantime, I’m getting my hands on this book!)

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The story of  Ashley Cole’s infidelity is everywhere in the news these days. When you see Cheryl Cole flashing her big beautiful smile across your television screens for the Loreal advertisement saying the firm’s catchphrase: “Because you’re worth it,” you just can’t help feeling sorry for her.

Cheryl Cole announced she was separating from the Chelsea footballer last week after allegations that her husband had been unfaithful – yet again.  It’s been reported that two years ago he’d had a drunken fling with a hairdresser and now in this recent episode he is alleged to have had a fling with three other women and also to have been sent a stream of sex texts by another woman.

Unlike Tiger Woods who, verbally at least, has accepted responsibility for his actions and has apologised for what he has done and for the impact his behaviours has had on those around him, Ashley according to reports is refusing to take any responsibility for his actions.

Instead, it is alleged that he launched a stream of verbal abuse at photographers blaming them for ‘ruining his life.’ One radio presenter discussing this issue said that Ashley blamed Cheryl’s hectic work schedule for the affair – though where he got that from, I’m not sure.   One thing that is for sure is that not taking any responsibility or showing remorse certainly isn’t getting Ashley any sympathy votes.

There are two big questions you can’t help asking every time you hear of such stories. Firstly, why did he have the affair and secondly why doesn’t she dump him?

The answers to both of these questions are multi-faceted and different for each couple and individual.  What the answers will involve however, include low self-esteem, ego, unconscious programming, residue from past experiences, lack of responsibility, limiting beliefs, boredom and dissatisfaction in a current relationship but the bottom line is that the affair is a symptom and not the problem.

The affair is a signal that something isn’t right.  It could be an issue for one person in the relationship or for the relationship as a whole. And as long as those issues don’t get addressed the relationship will be at risk.  It’s just unfortunate that most people only seek help when the damage has been done rather than when they notice that something is wrong.

It takes two to recover from an affair.  It’s easy for the ‘wronged’ party to gloat in self righteousness but a relationship is a dynamic dance between two people and as such both will need to work on creating a new dance – both will have to be committed to change.

You cannot control or change other people – you can only choose how you respond to what is done to you.  People will treat you as you allow them to. Loving the person does not mean accepting their behaviour.

At the end of the day – no matter how much you might love someone – if they continue to hurt you – you do need to walk away – “because you’re worth it.”

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One of my many single friends was complaining to me the other day about how hard it was to meet people and I made the mistake of suggesting a whole list of things he could be doing.  It was a mistake because he spent the whole time trying to convince me that every idea I suggested wasn’t going to work.

Over the years, I’ve lost track of the number of time I’ve suggested to singles what they could do to meet others and only to have them respond by trying to convince me that:

• Each idea, for whatever reason, was a bad idea
• Each idea, for whatever reason, hadn’t worked in the past
• Each idea, for whatever reason, wouldn’t work in the future

And once they’ve said their bit, they let out this huge sigh while uttering the words “There are just no good ways to meet people”

Now I know there are tons of ways to meet people, yet so many singles seem to be using their time and energy to convince me (and other singles) that there really are no good ways to meet people! What on earth is going on here?

I’ll tell you what’s going on:  It’s a story that many singles cling to because of fear and ambivalence – often of which they are not even aware of.

You see, by relying on this ‘story’ singles can safely stay in their comfort zones and they avoid:

• Falling in love
• Being rejected
• Experiencing all those other ‘vulnerabilities’ that love entails

And further more it allows them:

• To stay single but hopeful
• To stay in the safe zone of being single with the excitement of looking
• To relinquish taking any responsibility for being single

If you find yourself in this group of singles, saying you want to meet someone but then rejecting or dismissing all the suggestions that come your way, then I’d suggest you take some time to examine your reasons or excuses.

You may be either, deep down fearful of being rejected or hurt or you are ambivalent about what the ‘cost’ of a relationship might be for you – you may fear you have to give up something that you hold equally valuable.

If you don’t explore what’s going on you could be caught in the “yes, but” cycle for a long time.

How To Meet Others – The Real Secret

Now if on the other hand you really do want to know what the secret to meeting others is, I’ll tell you.  Here’s the real secret:  It doesn’t matter which method or methods you use.  What matters is that you do something!

That’s it – that’s the secret.  It’s not enough to read about ideas, talk about them or even visualise them – you have to actually do something.

It’s a bit like looking for a job – you can wish for, hope for, talk about, dream about what job you want.  But to make it happen you have to get out there, look for the jobs and go for it.  You’ve got to figure out what job you might enjoy, you may have to do a bit of research on the company or the type of job, you may have to learn some skills, you’ll have to contact someone and then you actually have to show up for the interview.

Shopping for a potential mate isn’t really all that different.  Here are a few suggestions:

1. Get out and do things you enjoy. Plan ahead – put some dates in your diary.  It’s so easy to think you’ll do something and then never get around to doing it.
2. Think “abundance” and not “scarcity”.  Deliberately increase the flow of people in your life – stretch your normal limits a bit.  Go for volume – kiss lots of frogs.  And don’t make the mistake of trying to make a relationship work because of a scarcity mentality or settle for a “better-than-nothing” relationship.
3. Expand your comfort zone and try new things you might enjoy.  One of the most successful ways of meeting people is through your friends so ask your friends what activities they enjoy – and go along with them to try something new out.
4. Get clarity about what sort of relationship you want.  Do you want friends at the moment to go to events with, do you want to date but not settle down, or do you want a committed relationship? There is no right and wrong type of relationship – as long as you are clear and you convey that. Nothing worse than two people being together with very different ideas about the relationship – at some point it will come to a head.  Better to avoid that and be clear right from the start.
5. Don’t give up what is important to you or put the rest of your life on hold in your quest for love.  Go on with your career, your friendships, your hobbies and activities or you may come to resent your search for your soul mate.
6. Be careful to avoid the dating binge-purge cycle where you first starve yourself of going out and then you go into a mad frenzy and go out so much that you burn out and lose interest all together.  Try to keep a balance in your work – looking for love life.

No more excuses now.  Even if it feels a bit daunting do as one of my favorite writers suggests “Just lean into it” (Jack Canfield)

“Oftentimes, success happens when you just lean into it – when you make yourself open to opportunities and are willing to do what it takes to pursue it further -without a contract, without a promise of success, without any expectation whatsover.  You just start.  You lean into it.  You see what it feels like. And you find out if you want  to keep going – instead of sitting on the sidelines deliberating, refelcting and contemplating”

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The Cheryl and Ashley Cole story has been running for so long now that we’re all probably tired of hearing about it! After all, there’s only so much gossip an intelligent person can take – and if that hearsay and tittle-tattle is stretched over days, weeks and months, it’s hard to muster any interest at all.

So I feel like most people probably do about the whole affair by now – that it’s worth studiously avoiding the tabloid covers to try and ignore the whole undignified story.

But scanning the entertainment news online this morning, I was interested to notice in a headline on the latest in the Cheryl Cole story that she is reportedly frightened of being single.

“Part of me can’t help but feel terrified….(but) I know I’m doing the right thing by moving on”, The Sun has apparently reported her as saying.

I couldn’t help but dwell on this idea – the thought that, despite the multiple humiliations heaped upon her – and indeed any woman who has been cheated on – and despite the feelings of anger, there is still a part of her that would rather feel safe than end a toxic relationship.

Objectively, it’s hard to see why a woman in such a situation might feel this way. When we read about this kind of thing, our own sense of pride kicks in and we feel that the first thing we’d do would be to desert the person putting us through the indignity.

But we forget how difficult it can be after years in the same relationship, with the same person. Our pride can be completely eroded in the time we’re together, and by the time we learn of a breaking of trust, it can be difficult to recall that we have our own identity and are not entirely reliant on a partner. It can be tough to reaffirm our own sense of self in these circumstances.

So even though It’s hard to garner sympathy in light of the masses of press coverage Cheryl Cole has reaped, it’s still possible to rustle up some sympathy for her. Being so secure in your relationship that you’re frightened to leave it, even when it’s become clear that the other party has no respect for you, is a terrible state to be in – but Cheryl Cole can take heart in the fact that the only way for her now is up – to a period of singledom where she can reappraise what it is she wants from a partner and from life.

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When a relationship ends you feel a bit bruised and battered.  You know what I’m talking about, whether you’ve been there once or whether you’ve been there many times.  Your self esteem plunges a few notches and you can be left feeling a bit of an emotional wreck.

If that’s the place you are at, then I’d suggest you take time to repair the damage before you start looking for a new lover and partner.  If you jump into a new relationship too soon:

1.  You won’t really be able to focus on your new partner or the new relationship because you will still be consumed by the old relationship.  You see, everything that you’ve counted on and known until now is suddenly gone – your life plans, your hopes and the dreams you shared about the future with your partner.  You are left with a broken heart and a huge, great, gaping hole in your life. You are feeling heartbroken, hurt, angry, confused and lonely and it’s the absolute worst time to get hitched. You will be going through a grieving process – it’s what happens after you experience a significant loss.  The grieving process is about finding closure on the old relationship and allowing you to let it go.  You can only move on once you let go of the old relationship.  If you don’t go through this process, it will interfere with your new relationship.

2.  You won’t be able to show your new partner the real you.  Because you are feeling a bit bruised and battered you will naturally go into self-protect mode – it’s what we naturally do so as not to get hurt again.  Healthy and happy relationships are about deepening levels of intimacy which requires being open and vulnerable.  Having an emotionally intimate relationship is simply not going to happen if you are living your life from a position of defence.  You can’t let love in, if your heart is blocked.

3.  You will project stuff from the old relationship into the new one. And doing this is a sure fire guarantee to ruining your new relationship. See, we are programmed to assume that the future will pretty much be a repeat of the past.  So if your ex- partner cheated on you, you will assume that your new one may do the same too.  You will mis-interpret their actions and you will be suspicious even when there is no ‘evidence.’ You will filter everything through the lens of what happened in your old relationship.  Your new partner will eventually tire of this.  You will experience the death of another relationship and your already bruised self esteem will just feel even more bruised now.

4.  Even if you found your perfect partner, they will only be ideal for who you are now. The hurting, needy and vulnerable person you are when you meet your new partner will not be the same person once you have recovered.  Once you have recovered, you will be feeling confident, independent and strong – and that’s not the person your partner met and fell for.  What started out as a perfect match won’t be anymore.

Successful singles take time to recover and re-group before they start re-investing in a new relationship.

• Recover: Allow your wounds to heal before embarking on a new relationship. Recovery is a process of time and of looking after yourself.  Yes, there may be some scarring – but that only adds character, doesn’t it?
• Re-group: Take time to get to know the real you and to become the best of who you are and you will find that you attract a different type of person than you do when you are needy and vulnerable.
• Re-invest: Put time and energy into other parts of your life.  You and your life will be a more interesting and people will be drawn to you.

You know when you are ready for a new relationship, when you have moved on from feeling the pain of the old relationship, when you have had time to let the real you grow and when you have reinvested in other areas of your life.

What you will find is that you naturally attract and you will meet the person who is really right for you!

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The paper on The Sexualisation of Young People that’s causing such intense discussion at the moment gives us a lot to think about, whatever your take on its findings.

Certainly, looking at the current liberal attitude to sexuality in the media – from seemingly harmless pop videos and the omnipresence of Katie Price to the availability of all kinds of material online – those of my generation have cause to worry about the kind of impact these influences might have on the younger generation.

When I think of my best dates, they’ve all been with people who’ve utterly respected my limits and my preferences. When I was younger, the watershed was active (and properly recognized), and technology was so alien to the kind of stuff that’s available on the market now. We couldn’t text one another, skype or msn our friends or even hook up with each other on the internet in those days. It hadn’t been invented yet, after all.

Were we worse off for not having these innovations? Perhaps not. Perhaps this reliance on other, more established sources for our values and our perception of one-another actually gave us more of a coherent understanding of the world, where children today are receiving jumbled, confused and confusing messages from sources that can’t be said to be as reliable.

I’m not saying that things were better in my day, nor am I looking at the past through rose-tinted spectacles. Things weren’t better across the board before the rise of the web or the spread of tabloid culture. A lot of the old principles were outright wrong. There was a huge intolerance, for example of faiths, religions and cultures different to our own, that it would be foolish to go back.

But all the same, this paper highlights that perhaps we’ve gone too far in the other direction.  In the report, psychologist Dr. Papadoppulos, suggests that the sexualisation of young people is encouraging boys to become fixated on being macho and dominant, while girls in turn are being encouraged to present themselves as sexually available and permissive.

What I personally appreciate about this report is that Dr. Papadopulos makes it clear that you cannot talk about the sexualisation of girls without looking at what she calls the ‘hypermasculation’ of boys.

So while girls get ‘drip fed’ the  message that what is important is to objectify themselves, think about their sexuality and be provocative, the message to boys is to objectify the girls, be stand offish, tough and aggressive.  It’s this interactional effect that is creating the problem.

Another point I appreciate that Dr. Papadoppulos makes, is that the sexualisation of young people is not a one dimensional thing but that it is multi-faceted issue. It’s easy to blame the parents but the issue is bigger than that and as such, the solution must also be multi-faceted.

The solution isn’t obvious and I wouldn’t like to be the one tasked with turning the tide, but violence in teenage dating is on the rise.  One only need to remember the story of the pop princess Rihanna and her boyfriend Chris Brown being arrested, about a year ago, for his increasingly violent attacks on her.  Oprah Winfrey was so concerned about the issue of teenage dating violence that she used her influence to try to shed light and help educate people on this issue.

So, if these influences do encourage a macho culture among young men and instill acceptance for violence against women, as Dr. Papadopulos’ research suggests, then of course something should be done.

It’s often tempting to look at young people and sigh, reflecting on how you’d love to be young again. But it’s all too easy to forget the pressures they have to endure – and the way the world is right now, I’m thinking it might be tougher than ever.

A first date can be terrifying enough, but I sure wouldn’t want to be young again and suffer a first date – especially not in these times, would you?

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