Amazing reading on the Independent’s website relating to the way depression can affect us on a fundamental level, rendering the world a less colourful place, contributing to the effects of the illness.

Scientists say that the onset of depression can act rather like a remote control, turning the contrast dial on the world, via the retina, making the experience of life for sufferers less vibrant, less vivid and more foreboding. It’s a very visceral way of thinking about the illness, which affects millions of people and is far more common than many people realise. In my capacity as a psychologist, I see it so regularly and it really is an issue close to my heart.

It would be trite and inappropriate to offer advice to those who are clinically depressed here, as the condition needs the right treatment. All I would say is that, if you know somebody who appears to be suffering or if you yourself feel you are slipping, then there are things you can do to avoid this crippling state of mind.

If you know someone who is suffering from depression, offer help and reassurance, and make it clear that there is medical help available to anybody you know in this situation.

If you yourself are experiencing any kind of despair, short of depression but equally upsetting, (perhaps you’re reading this following a break up and are at a loss as to what to do) then it is possible to pull yourself from the mire of bad feeling.

When afflicted with sadness, our best bet is to reach out to sympathetic friends and family, or, if we feel it is more serious, a medical professional.  The worst thing is to withdraw – which is what so many people who suffer with depression do.  All the research and my own clinical experience suggest that those less likely to suffer depression – are those with a good perceived social network.

Friends and family are so easily taken for granted when the going is good, but when we suffer a setback, we start to see the value in our ever-present support network. Even if they can’t be there in person, the telephone, messages and skype-type communication systems we have these days can ensure we need not be alone.  With all the social media and modern ways of communicating, it’s never been easier to reach out to each other.

It’s the company of a positive influence that can really kickstart recovery. A friend or family member can empathise with us and, knowing us as well as they do, may be able to help and guide us in deciding what the best course of action is.

The amazing thing that happens, when we muster up the courage to reach out and admit things aren’t all rosy –  is that you suddenly discover that so many of your friends, family, colleagues and acquaintances, you thought were completely ‘sorted’ and ‘together’ have also struggled with something.  Sometimes it’s the first time many connect with each other on a ‘real’ level.  Your reaching out often gives others permission to be ‘real.’

And don’t we need that in this world where life seems to be all about projecting perfection, success and often feeling we have to pretend to be someone we are not?

Reach Out and Be Real – and see what happens.

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Daniel Radcliffe has already chosen his post Harry Potter script and is set to star in a new realisation of the well-known and much-loved ghost story, The Woman In Black.

But first Harry Potter mania is set to take over all over again as Radcliffe is set to film the seventh and final part of the series in October, whilst he and his co-stars have already finished filming the sixth – Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows, which is released this in 2011.

Radcliffe has grown up in the public spotlight, having starred in the first Harry Potter movie when he was only 12. To watch a young actor progress is always very interesting, and by and large Radcliffe has been a model example, with very little in the way of controversy or bad blood blanching his past.

As the final chapter of the Harry Potter franchise looms, it’s probably a period that Radcliffe is spending taking stock of his career options, weighing up what direction his life should take and ways in which he can use his time working on his Harry Potter work to reinvent himself, or best optimise his prospects.

And just as he does that, we can look at ourselves and take stock of our own lives. We may be at a point where a relationship has ended, and a whole spectrum of opportunity has suddenly opened up to us.

A useful rule of thumb is to engage your head, heart and gut in this process.  When there is conflict – you may need to rethink your direction. When head, heart and gut are aligned you are probably on the right track.

Just as a film star moving onto a new career path needs to evaluate future choices, the newly dating can also make informed decisions on where they want to head to next.

We can do this by looking at three elements of our lives. Firstly, our past relationships are our evidence of happy and unhappy times. We can examine them (without getting too emotional to be clear about our needs) to see what went wrong, what we can do about our own behaviours and what we looked for in our partner that perhaps wasn’t right for us.

We can look at what we want to do differently. We can shape our own future by only taking choices that will best benefit, and will banish the possibility of us making the same mistakes again.

Finally, we can think about what we have learned about ourselves, and how we can put these discoveries to use. We may have been extremely patient with a demanding partner, or we may have found ourselves able to steer an unhappy ex back into good humour. These are invaluable skills, and knowing that you have them in your locker is great for self-confidence.

Whatever choices you make – make sure your choice moves you closer towards your own happiness.

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I’ve just been reading about the safety concerns of parents whose kids are talking freely to complete strangers on Facebook.

Their worries are certainly founded in truth, as recently there has been a spate of criminal activity in which fake profiles have been set up for nefarious means, with grown men wanting to contact children for their own illegal and repulsive means. Facebook’s reaction will apparently be to install the required danger button for worried kids to click in case of a strange encounter, but they’re begging for users not to refer to it by the name ‘panic button’ – presumably feeling that it’s very marketing unfriendly and implies that Facebook offers its users reasons to be frightened.

The online environment can be dangerous – we’re all aware of that – but even as adults, we have to be careful. In a lot of cases, no amount of wisdom can prevent a determined predator from giving us trouble, but there are ways to spot daters who aren’t entirely what they seem.

The key to dating successfully is to use your intuition when listening to people’s answers when you ask them about their lives. But equally, to use your common sense when gauging whether or not they’re giving out a true picture of themselves.

It’s a difficult balance, admittedly. It’s easy to be persuaded by a person with an apparently excellent job when you have no reason to believe they haven’t got the dream career they describe. It’s also very easy for some people to distort the truth of their family situations, whether they’re still actually attached to an ex-partner or what their relationship is like with their children. But there are steps you can take to ensure your own safety.

Always conduct your first meeting in a public place – or even your first few meetings. Sometimes it may take a series of rendezvous for you to work out if you entirely trust someone. If your date-partner has a problem with this, then you should question why, as it’s a practical and wise move to ensure your own safety.

After a date, even if buzzing with infatuation, it’s a shrewd move to go over again all their answers to your questions and the details of the conversation. Occasionally, despite the wine and the smiles, something they said may have lodged in your head as being peculiar.

Don’t brush these things aside, as your wisdom is trying to tell you something. Discuss it with trusted friends and family and see what they make of it.

Having said all that, it’s one thing being pragmatic and quite another to be paranoid.  Don’t rule out trying something again just because you had a bad experience.  So many people vow never to date again or do online dating because of a bad  experience.  To me, that’s a bit like a toddler saying – “well that’s it, I’ve fallen down, so I’m never going to try to walk again.”  I mean, jeepers, where would be all be if we thought like that?

So, do make sure that you have your common sense intact and your natural scepticism switched on before any date you go out on – just as a safety precaution – that bit is in your control.

But most importantly, don’t come from a needy position, think about what you are projecting and what type of person that is attracting, listen to your ‘gut’ or intuition and then decide that  you will  have a great time!

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The obesity debate is back in the news, as scientists continue to argue about what’s causing our children to become overweight.

Recent studies are apparently showing that it’s over-eating that’s causing the bulk of the problem, rather than lack of mobility and general absence of an exercise regime. It seems our children, and many adults, are simply over-indulging on foods that they are aware are lacking in nutrition.

There’s a culture of endless overindulgence going on at the moment, and the result of that is becoming more and more obvious as an entire generation hits adolescence struggling with their weight. It’s not just food that we can over-indulge in. People find all kinds of ways to satisfy cravings, many of which can end up to be just as destructive as obesity is – on both our physical and mental health.

Indulgences come in many forms. – some forms are to avoid or move away from emotional discomfort and pain. In those cases individuals find their emotional crutch to be not only an over-reliance on food but also on alcohol and drugs for example. They use these crutches as a way of avoiding dealing with unwanted negative feelings.

In my work, I also notice that people can also over-indulge on certain emotions and sensations in order to move towards or create constant positive ‘emotional highs’. This could be shopping sprees, gambling and sex. And dating and falling in love can also fall into this catagory. And there are hidden dangers in this kind of over-indulgence. That buzz you get in the initial stages of dating can be addictive. That sense of feeling ‘wanted’ and ‘alive’ – in the moments of passion.

In the worst-case scenario there are ‘sex addicts’, who we very recently have seen a lot of in the media. Halle Berry’s ex husband, for example, was a high profile example of a male celebrity who it was discovered was having sex with multiple partners out of some internal compulsion. Tiger Woods is another one who is constantly in the headlines.

Just as a compulsion to overeat is contributing to obesity, the compulsion to overindulge in activities to try and move us away from pain or towards pleasure can be equally destructive. The many recent celebrity divorces are a testimony to that. But it needn’t be this blatant.

We are all, especially those of us actively dating at the moment, in danger of falling in love for the pleasure of falling in love. And because of this, if we’re not careful, we are also in danger of falling in love with the wrong person – sometimes someone that may be completely unsuitable.

It’s important to be honest with yourself for your reason for dating. Is it an ego booster? Is it to keep you on a perpetual high? Or is it really to find that someone special to settle down with? Like everything – moderation is the best policy. And also – don’t forget to take some time out to be with yourself!

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How amusing to read that, post England’s embarrassing World Cup 2010 exit, men are flocking to sign up to dating services to occupy themselves.

And even more amusing to see from the same set of surveys that, despite England’s defeat to Germany, the women of England continue to watch the football! I know it’s only a survey, but is it possible we can read something into this information? Well – even if it’s not very scientific – we can only try!

So, if we were to think about this (and possibly take a few liberties whilst we’re about it!) it seems disenchanted men, filled with hope and occupied by the game to the point of distraction in the hype-filled run up, suddenly lose sight of the entire tournament and look to take their attentions to their love lives. And all the while, single ladies continue to watch the remaining games, perhaps entranced by the hunky Spanish forward David Villa or keeping an eye on how Robin Van Persie of Holland gets on.

I guess there’s still something to watch for the girls!

But if you spend some time thinking about the tactic of men who, when faced with the defeat of the national side, suddenly flock to dating sites – then you may start to worry about their state of mind! It’s as though a potential partner is suddenly sought as some kind of compensation for their outright footballing disappointment.

Even if we were to be kind, we might assume that they are merely going through their priorities in terms of their perceived importance. England are out of the World Cup? Ah well – time to turn the attention to the love life and start dating then…

I’d suggest that this is a total misplacing of priorities. It’s not too much to expect that a man might prioritise his love life, the quality and reward it offers, far higher than a sporting competition which, at best, offers the fleeting and only vaguely satisfying thrill of an occasional win.

I’m with the girls on this one. If that’s how the whole thing works, I’ll be watching the football all the way to the final, mainly so I can avoid all the guys on dating sites who are only there to cheer themselves up after being let down by Gerrard, Lampard and all the other England flops!

But who to support?!

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In the news currently, the world of science is fighting with the homeopathic remedy branch of healthcare, and many are outraged that such a treatment is available on the NHS. Their argument is that such treatments are purely placebo-based, and any effects are down to this placebo effect.

The placebo effect happens when, regardless of the treatment offered – the ‘real medication’ or the sugar tablet – your belief that you are being healed has a positive effect, to the point that really noticeable changes occur in your chemistry.

Think of phantom pregnancies, where a non-pregnant woman’s abdomen begins to swell and she gets morning sickness, despite having no real reason for this beyond the psychological.

The placebo effect is in my view, a really fascinating part of human nature. We can will something to the point it actually comes true.  It’s as if the brain is very obedient to what we tell it to do – which is why ‘mental rehearsal’ or ‘visualisation’ is so powerful and is used by successful people in all disciplines.

The placebo effect can hit dating singles too – particularly those who have been out of the singles scene for a while and those who have been single longer than they care to admit – and are desperate to find love.

As we’ve said so many times before, the brain is an expert at manufacturing belief, if you will or want something badly enough – you start believing it’s happening.  Take that on to the dating scene and combine that with a dash of hormones and a bit of serotonin, and you can be on an absolute high and be convinced you are in love.

Because these chemical effects are so powerful and you so badly want to be in a relationship, or exit a bad relationship or be in love, it is easy to mistake infatuation for love – you fall in lust.

We love to be loved, we want to be loved and it feels good to be loved. And when the brain sends you signals that love is on the way, you are happy to believe that love has really arrived – even despite your common sense or intuition which may be telling you something different.

You become drunk on the idea of love, and ignore that nagging voice and you ignore the red flags.  You hit denial, and then make mistakes you come to regret later on.  It’s so important to keep your mind sharp and your wits about you when dating. There are people who can exploit you at your weak and needy moments.

The powerful dater is the one who is able to take a step back from ‘need’ and the chemical effects and look at their experience more objectively. I know it doesn’t sound romantic – and it sounds a bit clinical but if you want love to last you need to be with someone who is right for you and for whom you are right for.

That’s not to say you should take a clipboard and lab-coat with you on every date. With experience, this kind of evaluation will become a natural thought process for you. All it takes is practice. So… get out there, get dating – and don’t forget to have fun too!

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It’s heartening to read that newcomers to the web are largely coming from the over 50s demographic – with over half of new users fitting that profile.

Very often we associate technology with youth, and it’s often tempting for those beyond their teens to abandon all hope of ever getting to grips with computers and machinery that are now so advanced, it can seem alienating. I’m pleased to see that the over 50’s are catching up, and look forward to the point when we’re actually a little ahead!

There are so many uses for this technology, especially when it comes to the web, that it simply doesn’t make sense for the internet to be dominated by younger people. Every business under the sun is available online now, so it needn’t just be those under 50 who make best use of services like online shopping, wiki information-based sites and the joys of blogging. It’s there and it’s available to all of us, so have no fear of getting stuck in.

And with technology comes internet dating.  Internet dating, is still often stigmatised and it seems that even those who look down on such sites are confused as to what dating site users log in for. On the one hand, they can be painted as sleazy places where people simply arrange to ‘hook up’, but on the other hand, it is often implied that they’re there for those who are unable to meet people in the real world.

The simple fact of the matter is that these claims are misleading.  Things have changed from the days where only ‘desperate’ people were members of online dating sites.  The truth is that the vast majority of people who use dating sites do so because they are dynamic, and because they’re looking forward to finding the right match faster, avoiding the silly games of courtship that can spring from a chance meeting in a bar.  For those that are a bit more shy it offers a chance to get to know someone a bit more before meeting them face to face, thus making the dating experience less traumatic.

It’s the connoisseur’s means of finding a partner, and those who pluck up the courage to take the plunge should be applauded.  There are dating sites for every taste just google in your dating site preference and see what comes up.

The sheer task of filling out a profile is a useful exercise in its own right.  You have to think about what you are really like, what you value, what you want and what you are looking for in a relationship – it sounds easy until you start to think about it.

So if you happen to be over 50, then there’s no better time to start than now. All it takes is to log on and start looking!

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I read in the news that Mel Gibson has issued a restraining order against his ex-partner and the mother of one of his children, Oksana Grigorieva.

Speaking about their relationship break-up, Oksana is reported to have said: ‘The reasons I cannot talk about but it will come out at some point.

‘The truth always comes out. We’ve been together for three years – not one year as people have been writing.’

It always saddens me deeply to hear of a public love-split, and particularly one where children are involved. When bad feeling becomes so advanced to the point that one party feels a restraining order is necessary, it’s really a sad affair for all.

When love comes into your life, it is an intense and all-absorbing sensation. It occupies your thoughts, and you seem to spend all day walking in some kind of daze in which you’re quite happy focusing on this special individual, and repeating their good points to yourself over and over. This infatuation is so addictive, as addictive as a drug, that you seek to prolong the rush and enjoy the rollercoaster of positive emotions it seems to provide.

But as I’ve said before – infatuation is quite simply a chemical reaction manufactured by your body to enable you to form a bond. That dizzying sensation is not the way your love for somebody will always feel. It’s a transient, fleeting phase of happiness, and when it deserts a couple, they quite often don’t know how to handle it,which is why some people move on to a new relationship – they get to experience that “high” again.

In reality, after this ‘honeymoon period’ is over, couples can find their common ground and learn to co-habit and enjoy the subtle differences between themselves whilst learning to be loyal and respectful of one another. They can take their relationship to a deeper level where they can experience deeper levels of intimacy – and that’s what real love actually is.

In some cases, as with Gibson and Grigorieva, a couple can feel a little lost without that feeling of bubbling infatuation. Because it’s gone and they need the rush it provided, anger is often sought as a substitute – and what was once a playful and joyous union can instantly transform into one of petty squabbling and bickering as both parties seek to maintain the passion they once felt.

By all means, enjoy the sense of infatuation a new relationship can feed you, but try always to bear in mind that it’s not destined to forever and that you may not always feel quite so sky-high on your love. Be prepared for the humdrum as you settle down. While it might not seem as much fun, the long-ball game is far more satisfying in the end!

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I’m not the keenest follower of football, but even I can tell that the first round has provided what’s known as an ‘upset’ or two, in that some of the biggest teams are falling to draws or losses with teams with much lower rankings than themselves.

It’s a case of David & Goliath for many of these teams. France are out by now, with only one point from a possible nine. England and Italy are struggling for their lives and Spain are erratic, losing one and winning one. I’m sure it makes for a much more exciting game for those who are truly devoted, and even for the casual observer like me it certainly spices things up!

Speaking with a friend who reads the sports papers slavishly, it struck me that the larger teams who are suffering these failures all deal with their problems in very different ways, with varying results.

On a personal level, crisis management is something we should all be skilled in. When having trouble at work, having problems with the latest batch of bills and also when handling a partner who is treating us badly, or who has thrown us an emotional  curveball, it’s essential that we have the toolkit to deal with the issues that arise because, if we don’t, we’re in constant danger of falling apart a little.

France dealt with their problems in the worst way possible. Public in-fighting, players going on strike and refusing to train. This was self-destructive behaviour writ large. Rather than deal with their crisis, they went into turmoil – the footballing equivalent of hitting the bottle. Clearly not the way to go.

England on the other hand are bottling it all up, simply insisting that everything is fine and promising they’ll get their act together in time. At the time of writing, that’s yet to be proved. In my experience, simply sitting on your problems is no way to deal with them. A problem left to stagnate can only get worse. Time will tell what England are doing behind the scenes to sort themselves out.

But when it comes to a shining example, Spain are the ones to be inspired by. A lacklustre loss to Switzerland was followed by a thumping 2-0 victory over Honduras. Spain were in trouble, but they went back to square one, analysed and worked on their problems and came back fighting with constructive and positive action. Just as you can, if any problem is afflicting you.

If you look to one country for personal inspiration, then make it Spain!

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I was having a conversation with some friends about the topic of kissing.

I still remember that magical kiss when I was 16 and he was 21 and I wondered if delicious kissing was becoming a lost art. I was feeling a bit skeptical about it from what I was experiencing on the dating scene.

Maybe I was going out with the ‘wrong’ men, but It seemed to me that either there was a rush to skip the kissing and go as quickly as possible for the “home run” (to use a baseball metaphor).

Or there was the other extreme of my dates forcing their tongue as deeply down my throat as they could possibly go –even on a first date – leaving me wondering what on earth they were digging for?

Anthropologists report that 90 percent of the people in the world kiss and the other 10% probably do but consider it so private they don’t openly talk about it.

And while researchers aren’t exactly sure how or why people started kissing, they do know that romantic kissing affects most people profoundly. The Kinsey Institute (for research in gender, sex and reproduction) describe a person’s response to kissing as a combination of three factors:

• Your psychological response depends on your mental and emotional state as well as how you feel about the person who is kissing you. Psychologically, kissing someone you want to kiss will generally encourage feelings of attachment and affection. If you’re kissing someone you don’t like, or you’re kissed against your will, your psychological response will be completely different.

• Your body physically reacts to being kissed. Most people like to be touched, and that’s part of your body’s response to kissing. But kissing also affects everything from your blood to your brain. Your facial nerve carries impulses between your brain and the muscles and skin in your face and tongue. While you kiss, it carries messages from your lips, tongue and face to your brain to tell it what’s going on. Your brain responds by ordering your body to produce:
  • Oxytocin, which helps people develop feelings of attachment, devotion and affection for one another
  • Dopamine, which plays a role in the brain’s processing of emotions, pleasure and pain
  • Serotonin, which affects a person’s mood and feelings
  • Adrenaline, which increases heart rate and plays a role in your body’s fight-or-flight response

When you kiss, these hormones and neurotransmitters rush through your body. Along with natural endorphins, they produce the euphoria most people feel during a good kiss. In addition, your heart rate increases and your blood vessels dilate, so your whole body receives more oxygen than it does when you’re just standing around.

• The culture in which you grew up plays a big part in how you feel about kissing. In most Western societies, people are conditioned to, look forward to and enjoy kissing. The behavior of the people around you, depictions in the media and other social factors can dramatically affect how you respond to being kissed.

While there is an on-off history of kissing in literature and art, there aren’t many records of kissing in the Western world until the days of the Roman Empire. Romans used kisses to greet friends and family members. Citizens kissed their rulers’ hands. And, naturally, people kissed their romantic partners. The Romans even came up with three different categories for kissing:

• Osculum was a kiss on the cheek
• Basium was a kiss on the lips
• Savolium was a deep kiss

Here’s a thought:  maybe these three categories of kissing can be seen to correspond to deepening levels of intimacy, hence the ‘Savolium’ kiss shouldn’t be happening on the first date and not until at least date number three?  What do you think?

So with all that goes on with a kiss – it certainly doesn’t seem probably that it will ever become extinct.  And I was pleased about the responses I received to my question about whether kissing was becoming a lost art.  I was re-assured by men and women that it certainly wasn’t a lost art and that it was a high and highly desirable priority for others.

So now I’m curious – what makes a great kiss, great, in your view?

To learn more read this article (from which much of this blog was based on – let’s give credit where it’s due!)  http://people.howstuffworks.com/kissing.htm

Until next time – Happy Kissing!

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